Monthly Archives: March 2009

The video resume

So, a couple weeks ago while spinning on my cycle trainer, I came up with a great idea of starting a video resume website to help differentiate candidates from the other wolves in the job-hunting pack. However, like most of my ideas, someone already beat me to the punch. CareerBuilder.com tried it a few years ago and now a local company, InterviewStudio, has launched something more robust. They are also offering FREE services to the first 1000 applicants, so it might be worth checking out. I know nothing about this company, so this post doesn’t necessarily mean it has the LOL stamp of approval. Just sharing because most jobless people really like free stuff.

As much as I think a video resume is probably a decent idea, I’m just not sure that I am confident I can keep a straight face during the taping of my video resume. In fact, I am pretty sure I would at some point want to “worm-out.” Now, for those that don’t know what worming-out means and need a visual, check out the Orville Redenbacher Popcorn commercial. Most of my good friends know my motto “when in doubt, worm-out” and have witnessed me on several occasions worming-out in bridesmaid dresses on the dance floor, or during a long musical interlude at karaoke. Bummer I missed Orville’s casting call. 

The worm adds that flavor and shock-factor to any given situation. When people are in shock, they tend to forget what it was they were doing prior to being shocked. For example, you are sitting in a meeting with your boss…or wait, jobless people don’t usually have bosses. OK, um…how about you are in a heated situation (argument with spouse, job interview that’s going side-ways, etc.) and you are getting grilled to the wall about something. This person is being a real prick trying to trip you up,  your head starts spinning and you can’t find any words to recover the situation. The tension in the room is increasing. What do you do? You worm-out. Straight up, just do it. What’s the worst that could happen? And, if you are jobless, you really have nothing to lose, right? I mean, if you find yourself being grilled in an interview, this person is a prick and there’s a good chance you don’t want to work for prick anyway, right? So why not worm-out? There are really only two things that could happen. The guy will either laugh and hire you on the spot because he just realized that he needs comic relief in his office. Or, the interview will end abruptly, not wasting anymore of your time away from house pants. Furthermore, you will be remembered thus differentiating yourself from the other candidates. I only wish I remembered to worm-out after I got laid off. Damn, that would’ve been a hell of an exit!

OK, so enough about the worm and back to the video resume idea. After watching some of the interviews produced by InterviewStudio, I sort of feel they lackluster. But maybe that’s because I’m rarely good at being all business, similar to the backside of a mullet hair-do.  On the resume video front though, I think I really prefer what my friends over at Unemploymentality have come up with. You should check it out, it’s pretty entertaining and doused with extra cheese sauce.

Curious how many people have ever done or considered doing a video resume? If you’ve done one, leave a comment and let me know what you thought of it and whether or not it got you any interviews. 

 

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Filed under Economy, Job search tips, Layoffs, Life, Resources, Sanity tips, Slightly amusing

Barefoot crop duster

There are a lot of things that I do not miss about working in my former office.

  1. I no longer have a 90 minute commute in a stick shift.
  2. I no longer have CRS (can’t remember shit) and forget where I was going after getting up from my desk to go somewhere – was it the printer, the mail room, the kitchen or the bathroom? Maybe I should just do all of them since the walk is so incredibly long.
  3. My frustration levels for inanimate objects has been greatly reduced, especially printers that are on the other side of the building that don’t print when you ask them to. Then forget to tell you that instead of printing they are offline, spooling or have a paper jam and you learn this information after making the long walk to the printer with the hopes of retrieving your document. 
  4. I no longer have to share a restroom with people that insist on talking on their cell phones while doing business on the toilet.
  5. And, one of my favorites. I no longer have to worry about possibly running into the barefoot developer dude who wanders the halls crop dusting unsuspecting coworkers with silent toxic ass fumes.  Oh pink-slip hander-outter, my nostrils do thank you!

Barefoot crop duster developer dude, this post is for you. Note: I am not the author of the below. Don’t know who is, but it always gives me a good laugh.

How To Poop At Work

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.

For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where abouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

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Filed under Life, Random thoughts, Slightly amusing

The ties that bind

Well, it’s official. Monday was the final drop of all things belonging to my former employer. It totally felt like a relationship break-up, where after about 2 months post break-up conversation you finally decide that it’s really over and set a time to meet and exchange the box of goods that had accumulated at each others houses over time. I returned five things, but only left with two items – my Rubix Cube and my small white board, as these had sentimental value. The white board wasn’t used to track projects and deadlines, instead it was called the “sneeze-tracker” and kept a tally of the daily sneeze explosions in our cramped cube space ; it often made people chuckle. And the Rubix Cube is just a simple reminder that my life is also a colorful puzzle that takes time to sort itself out. Unlike the Rubix Cube though, my life doesn’t come with easy to follow instructions explaining how to solve the puzzle. But it does come with its own internal guidance system and on Monday, as I made my final exit through the doors, I heard it loud and clear. An overwhelming sense of relief, reassuring me that this break-up was a good thing. I knew that I would no longer feel bound.  
 
I give my best to those still standing.  It can’t be easy to go into the office every day and see the empty seats of your fallen comrades. I wish you all well and ask only one thing. Email me at home when you sneeze :). The sneeze-tracker is back in action and the operator is standing by in house pants.
Steven Miller Photography, "Bound"

Steven Miller Photography, "Bound"

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Filed under Layoffs, Life, Random thoughts

Unemployment, Dr. Seuss style

I thought this LOL club could use a creed. I’m no poet that’s for sure, so if you are feeling creative and want to shoot me your own version, I’d love to see it! Email at lol.seattle.kr [at] gmail [dot]com:

I just lost my job today. I got a pink-slip. Oh look, hey!

Is this a dream? Could it be true? Or is your mind tricking you?

No and it’s a real shame. Now who the hell do I get to blame?

Was it me or was it you? Doesn’t matter. I’m still blue.

I sleep in late and rarely shower. I wear my house pants for long hours.

Do not judge. You do not know. The life we lead is tough you know.

I have no job. I have no money. I do not think that this is funny.

I am lonely. I am bored. There’s no one knocking at my door.

Perhaps it’s time I step outside. To find some friends. No longer hide.

I met some friends. They are just like me. We have the same mentality.

We meet for coffee. Meet for walks. It’s nice to find a friend to talk.

I’m trading in my “Scarlet U” so now I am immune to you.

Instead I wear an LOL. A lady or lord, it’s leisure we sell.

I do not fret. I do not frown. Instead I try to be a clown.

A state of mind is all you need to beat the pink slip. Guaranteed.

 

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Filed under Life, Sanity tips, Slightly amusing

Branding the unemployed

Thank god the pink-slip fashion police weren’t patrolling my neighborhood this morning or I would’ve been ticketed. I was sleeping off  the Advil PM when I woke to the sound of the garbage truck. As I was yelling “shit” (and likely other profanities), I jumped out of bed, ran to the back door and slid into my red gardening clogs. There I went, rushing down the driveway, trash can in tow, towards the curb wearing my level 1 pin-stripe house pants with blown out knees.

Now, this isn’t the first time I’ve broken the LOL club member rules relating to house pants and trash duty. In fact, I do this pretty regularly and I have received looks from a couple neighbors (that don’t yet know I am jobless ) and I know what they’re thinking as they climb into their car on their way to work  “Wow, look at that. Doesn’t she know she looks like shit?”

I am not the only jobless person who’s considered wearing a sign in order to explain why we don’t always look put together. Newsweek just did a feature on a pink-slipped father who’s not only emasculated by the fact that his wife is now bringing home the bacon while he plays Mr. Mom, but what’s worse is that when he drops his kids off at school he’s receiving strange looks from all the mothers in the other cars. And he’s sick of it and wants to make things easier for everyone to understand by stitching a “Scarlet U” on his clothing.

One new reader reported yesterday that she’s wearing a different type of branding and says that “people actually recoil in horror” after learning she’s joined the “masses of the unemployed”  as if she’s “contracted some kind of  laid-off leprosy.” She also seems to be wearing a second sign, a “Scarlet B” because she came from two of the industries responsible for taking down our economy, never mind the fact that she was on the commercial side, her potential employers don’t seem to care.

“Laid-off Leprosy”  reader, this post is dedicated to you. Today is the day that you trade in your old signs for something new. An LOL sign is a badge of honor and a slightly more positive spin on a really shitty situation. Best of luck to you.

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Filed under Economy, Layoffs, Life, Outfitting, Slightly amusing

Seattle pink-slips unite

Am I the only one who’s still jobless in Seattle and sitting alone unshowered in my house pants until 5pm every day? Where are all the other pink-slipped Seattle-metro area layoffs hiding out? Are you under a rock wallowing in self pity or are you the one I spotted at Unemployment Lake sporting a Snuggie?

If this describes you or one of your friends who own a pink-slip, sounds like its time for a Lady of Leisure intervention. At Lords and Ladies of Leisure, it’s our goal to force socialization and make sure we stick together and have fun as we journey through the land of unemploymentality together. So, if you are sick and tired of the pink-slipped version of your former self, and interested in sharing your story please send me a note at  lol.seattle.kr[at] gmail [dot] com.

Pink-Slips Unite!

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Filed under Layoffs, Life, Rants

First the clowns, now the puppets

First it was the clowns getting pink-slipped and now the recession is hitting the puppets over at Sesame Street, this reduction in workforce apparently pushing Oscar the Grouch over the edge.  Kudos to the brilliantly clever people over at unemploymentality.com for the Oscar report. Had to share with my readers because a) it’s really funny and b) I have nothing really clever to say today. In fact, I think I am having a case of the Mondays. Maybe it’s sympathy pain for those of you that had to get up early to drive to Rat Park where you jump on your hamster wheel and suckle from the morphine-laced sugar water dispenser all day in order to keep yourself numb to the fact that Rat Park might be sucking out your soul.

As a pink-slipped unemployed person, with this new found freedom, there are days, like today, when I sort of miss Rat Park. It was safe and familiar. I knew how my cage and wheel worked. There was the company of other rats and everyone was drinking the morphine-laced Kool-Aid. I considered myself “normal.” Now I consider myself to be a bit “abnormal” because I am choosing to hold off on my immediate return to Rat Park while I explore my new cage. Yes, I am still in a cage, at least temporarily because it’s only been 2 months post layoff and knowing that I can choose to do whatever the hell I want is totally intimidating, scary-Larry and unfamiliar!  But, the cage is different than what I had at Rat Park. There are doors and windows, all of which remain open during the day and my wheel is totally pimped out! Whether or not I choose to step out of my cage and explore is competely up to me, but every day I get a little more confident. I am alone and often bored with myself, but out of the old cage nonetheless.

I understand that being fearless takes time, patience and lots of practice. I feel like “Grasshopper” trying to learn that “fear is the only darkness.” But I must say, I really hate the idea that “life’s a buffet” and I should just “dig in and try it all!” Can someone please just give me three choices because my new park – Career-change Park – is pretty overwhelming. I have decision paralysis, especially after being in a cage so long with very few choices. And, this buffet has WAY too much chocolate and other treats that seem to be giving me a muffin top! Oh well, guess I will just shut-up, embrace my muffin top and explore the buffet. Mmm, is that an ice cream cookie sandwich I see?

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Filed under Economy, In the news, Slightly amusing

You too can have a muffin top

Ah, the muffin top – the jiggly inner-tube of skin and fat that sits atop ones waistline and grows exponentially during unemployment. If you are jobless due to a layoff and interested in growing your own friendly little muffin top to keep you company during the long lonely days of job searching, below is my recipe. Enjoy!

  • 1 pair of low waist jeans
  • 1 pair of level 1 house pants
  • 1 month supply of woman’s PMS (optional)
  • 6 c pink-slip
  • 6 c shock, anger and resentment
  • 6 c booze (your choice; beer seems to add bulk quickly)
  • 3 c economic recession
  • 2 c bills
  • 1 c stress and anxiety
  • 1/2 c sleep deprivation
  • 6 c comfort foods – chocolate, chips, etc.
  • 1/4 c exercise

Upon receipt of your pink-slip, your body temperature will naturally increase slightly due to stress. Once it reaches 100 degrees, drop the pink-slip into a large bowl (toilet bowl suggested) and beat aggressively with shock, anger, resentment, economic recession, stress, anxiety and bills for about 2 weeks until the pink-slip mixture begins to percolate. Once it’s active, introduce booze and sleep deprivation over the course of one week until the mixture forms a tranquil pond of goo. DO NOT ADD EXERCISE JUST YET. For maximum puff factor in your muffin top, it’s imperative that these negative energies co-mingle long enough to successfully interact with the remaining ingredients. 

Over the next week or two, add in the remaining ingredients starting first with the comfort foods alternating as chocolate-salt-grease-chocolate-salt-grease until the mixture starts to rise over the course of another two weeks. If you have access to a woman’s PMS, add that now for the extra bloat factor. Once you feel that the pink-slip mixture has enough puff, begin to introduce exercise starting first with sit-ups to really build up the muscle underneath the fat. This will create that cute little jiggle in your finished muffin top.

Drop the mixture into your house pants and bake in bed overnight. That next morning, zip yourself into your low waist jeans and Mr. Muffin Top will appear. Be sure to wear a short shirt and show him off to everyone you know. My muffin top responds positively to zerberts* and enjoys long walks in the park.

 

 

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Filed under Life, Slightly amusing

Identity crisis

When you are laid off, you feel like a big loser and you start to have an identity crisis cuz you were “this”: 

“I am a creative marketing and PR pro with entrepreneurial instincts and proven ability to ramp up quickly and deliver results in a dynamic and ambiguous environment.”

And now you’re becoming a twisted version of your former self that looks a little like this:

“Maybe I am just a no talent ass clown of a loser?”

“HEY! Listen up – don’t talk about yourself like that! You were given a gift of time, remember? Now use this time to find the perfect career for you and make yourself happy!” 

“Who is that talking???? OMG – I totally have a split personality disorder! When did that develop? Is that why they gave me the pink-slip because my ‘otherside’ came out at the office?”

“No…that’s not what’s going on, silly. I am your inner critic, don’t freak out and start searching WedMD. You got as far as you could at Microsoft doing ‘that’ and while you were good at ‘that,’ you weren’t fulfilled. So why don’t you explore writing?”

“Oh, thank god! Ok, how about I start a blog? Yes! I will start a blog that will be about…hmm…living life as a laid off person…and it will make people laugh! Yes! God – I am SO brilliant and someone will take notice and want to hire me because I am fucking funny! Oh dear…”

“What?”

“The stats on my blog are down. Damn-it. People don’t like me. Oh wait!!! They are up to 120 visitors today! Oh wait, now they are down to 12. God you loser, where’s that bag of Cadbury Mini-Eggs?!? Wait, look at that!! 164 visitors from that posting on forcing socialization! Gosh, you are SO clever….you are MONEY baby!”

Somehow, this blog is shaping my new identity and I think my mood seems to be mirroring my blog stats. For the unemployed person who’s new to blogging and deprived of human contact, visitors to my blog equate to friends. 

Blog stats|Mood indicator

Blog stats|Mood indicator

Yes, we (the pink-slipped, jobless and hopeless) tend to get a little pathetic and that’s why I started writing this blog. I’ve noticed that my stats (friends) increase considerably when I post a story that’s self-deprecating in nature and void of anything really important. I know I am not the go-to blog for anything of great value and I am ok with that, as long as you keep coming back because you are slightly amused. And, all I ask of my “friends” in return is that if you are slightly amused by my blog, PLEASE SHARE MY BLOG WITH FRIENDS so I can have more friends. I am lonely and bored and every single day I am working for you! I keep a notepad handy so that when something slightly entertaining pops into my head or crosses my path, I write it down so I can share this useless and possibly funny story with you, my friends, for FREE!

So, it’s time to give back to me – the jobless who’s getting very sick of spending all this time with herself. I need volunteers to co-manage my new campaign – the “help Keri find the perfect job” campaign! Anyone? Anyone? If  you are interested in volunteering, please email me at lol.seattle.kr [at] gmail [dot] com. More to come on the campaign later…

If you don’t want to help that’s fine too. Just be forewarned that one day you may hear a knock on your door and when you open it I will be there – unshowered, wearing house pants exploring the contents of my navel, gorging myself on chocolate and fiddling with my new friend, Mr. Muffin Top. Then, we’ll talk ;)

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Toothless man found wandering streets wearing house pants

If you haven’t yet read the blog post where I break down the levels of house pants, I’d suggest you do it now before this happens to you.

After a very relaxing Sunday morning, one of my most dedicated blog readers (we’ll refer to him as Morty, short for mortification. Also known as my boyfriend) decided to take the trash out before he got dressed for the gym. Wearing his level 1 house pants (pinstripe Gap PJs), he slipped on his flip flops, grabbed the trash bag and carried that along with his half-full cup-o-joe to the front door. Opening the door, he stepped into the cold morning air, quickly closed the door behind him and headed down the front steps to the trash can stored beneath his stairs. After dumping the trash, he climbed back up his stairs, reached for the door knob and turned. It didn’t budge. He tried the door again. No movement. It’s locked and Morty, realizing what he’s wearing, started to panic. He had no spare key hidden outside. His cell phone was inside his house. His garage door remote was locked in his car. And he’d never met any of his neighbors.

Morty took a sip of coffee. Stared at his locked front door. Then turned to look down at the garage door opener sitting inside the locked car. After taking another sip of coffee, he sighed loudly realizing his fate and did an about-face. “Who’s the lucky neighbor?” he thought to himself as he headed down the stairs. When he reached the bottom, he paused a moment to run his tongue across the backside of his front teeth, then realized there was a hole. Seems his fake tooth* was also resting comfortably inside his locked house along with the rest of his belongings. 

Completely mortified, cold and toothless wearing house pants and flip flops carrying his empty cup-o-joe, Morty shuffled down the sidewalk, climbed a neighbors stairs and knocked. The door opened and a young couple with a baby on the way greeted him. Morty explained what happened and they invited him in, despite his appearance.

Making a long story short – after sharing a cup of coffee with his neighbors, borrowing their toilet and using their phone and computer to send out various S.O.S. signals, Morty finally showed up on his girlfriend’s porch an hour and a half  later wearing  his toothless grin and his house pants.

Morale of the story? Remember that only level 3 house pants or higher should be worn outside the house, even if you are just taking a quick trip to the garbage can or mailbox. Your quick trip may get derailed and you could end up like Morty, who got to meet his neighbors for the first time with a missing tooth and wearing house pants.

*The fake tooth was previously attached to the bridge inside his mouth, but an unfortunate bar incident a few weeks prior involving a pint glass and a misplaced drunken elbow knocked it out. After three weeks, it still hasn’t been fixed, despite his girfriend’s complaints that he looks like white trash and that it’s a choking hazard.

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Filed under Life, Slightly amusing