- The first human encounter of the day turns human deprived unemployed people into dogs reacting to their owner’s return home. You’ll be greeted with rapid fire verbal diarrhea (human barking) describing in detail every single minute of our day, including showering. Our fast and furious tail wagging is displayed as jumping, clapping and possibly moon-walking. And, there’s a chance of us peeing on the floor and jumping up to lick your face because “oh my god, the humans are home! Humans, humans, humans, weeeee!”
- Going unshowered and wearing the same pair of house pants (or house shorts) for days on end.
- You become the “go to” person for your entire family and your “honey-do” list grows in size.
- Crying spells, laughing spells, crying spells, laughing spells.
- Sleeping like shit.
- Still sleeping like shit.
- CRS (can’t remember shit) disease slowly develops making you forget things like what day of the week it is (and sometimes what month).
- You find yourself shirtless at a bar by noon on a Tuesday.
- Sipping wine at noon while doing laundry.
- You become progressively tardy.
- You develop A.D.D. (unless you already had it). For example, you start working on your resume, then stop and get up to do something (but you can’t remember what it was because you have #1) so you walk over to the fridge and open it, as if the answer is inside. After staring at the contents of your fridge, you remember that you have to go grocery shopping, turn around leaving the fridge door open to go find a piece of paper and pen on your desk. Then, you sit down at your desk and start to read and respond to emails. Twenty minutes later your cell phone rings, so you walk back to the kitchen to answer the phone and see your fridge door open, then think to yourself “I wonder who left that open?” You shut the door and go grocery shopping.
- Paranoia and procrastination.
- Eating ice cream with a fork because as much as you like to think of yourself as innovative and resourceful, it’s really that you’ve become too lazy to wash a spoon.
- You employed friends start calling in sick just so they can experience a day in the life of an LOL and you decide to start charging admission.
- You get excited about jobs that don’t pay much on Craigs List, like the one below for a Bacontern (Marketing Intern for J&D foods). “What’s that? I get to wear a bacon costume? Rad! That’s much cooler than the gorilla costume I wanted to purchase…oh the fun I’d have this summer…”
Bacontern (marketing internship for Bacon Salt/Baconnaise)
Want a boring internship? Go work for a bank or an accounting firm. Want a fun internship that will set you on the path to a righteous marketing career? You’ve just found that and more.
We’re Justin and Dave, the two guys behind Bacon Salt® and Baconnaise®. And we’re on a mission to make everything taste like bacon. It’s an exciting time here at J&D’s Foods as our products are now in over 12,000 grocery stores around the country
We’re currently looking for a summer intern to be be the living embodiment of Bacon (often in a 7 foot tall strip of bacon costume) for a summer. We know, we know – getting dressed up as a mascot sounds like the most humiliating thing a human being can be subjected to. The reality is that it’s like being a deity, a celebrity and a superhero in one. Just imagine if Brad Pitt, Snoop Dogg and Superman walked into a room.Women swoon. Men admire you. Children adore you. People line up for pictures. The press takes your picture. Believe us when we say that this is not an oversell.
To qualify, you must:
- Be awesome
- Love bacon
- Know how to have fun
- Know when to stop (as the great David St. Hubbins once said, “It really is a fine line between clever and stupid.” We prefer clever.)
- Be outgoing and fun
- Be smart as hell
- Be sane and mentally stable (despite what it may sound like, we’re actually serious about this)
- Have a great sense of humor
YES! These guys HAVE to be unemployed. Who else would sit shirtless on the patio of a dive bar before noon on a Tuesday? They must know that Tuesday is unemployed person’s day, so cheers to them! Just wish Li’l Scoop had a camera in tow…guess I’ll have to leave it up to my imagination. Oh dear…it’s hard to look away…
Terribly sorry to have disturbed you, Master Louis. I know you’ve had a very full day of grooming, napping and eating, but your minion would like to know if she can borrow the remote?
Master Louis Feline III
Oh dear Sir, I didn’t realize that you were watching the game – it seemed your eyes were closed. However, there is a program that I cannot miss and it’s close to time for you to take your bacon “treat.” Now, where would you like that served? Oh that’s a splendid idea, Master! Why don’t we retire you to my sleeping quarters where you can rest comfortably on your feline-throne-bed. Oh I do hope you’re comfy, Sir. Here is your bacon “treat” and a napkin for the drool on your mouth. Dear Sir, when you’re through, please ring me and I will turn down the sheets for your seventh afternoon nap. Good day.