I’m sorry, but this relationship is no longer working for me so I am breaking up with you for the following reasons.
- You are addictive and now I’m forced to attend voyeurs anonymous.
- You promote unfair competition. Like my baby is cuter than yours. My vacation was better than yours. My relationship is amazing. I have more friends than you. What about the people who don’t have these things you heartless bastard?
- I don’t care to receive virtual gifts, you jerk! Why don’t you spend the money and buy me something real!
- I also don’t like throwing fake ass snowballs. Next time it snows, it’s on. You and me in an open field. I’m gonna pelt your ass.
- Daily you destroy my faith in relationships by allowing people to update their relationship status. I mean, is it really necessary for me to see someone go from “single” to “married” to “divorced” to “it’s complicated” to “in a relationship” all over the course of a week? Are all these people on Match.com or something?
- You fuel A.D.H.D. and people are popping Adderall just to keep up with you, the Twitters and all these other technologies. Are you sleeping with someone else, perhaps someone in the pharmaceutical industry? Is your next cool feature going to be a virtual Adderall pill so that everyone can keep up with the happenings of their Facebook-Twitter empires?
- You’re an idiot and I don’t know how to operate all your stupid settings. Where is your instruction manual?
- I don’t need 224 friends so quit trying to make me have so many! It’s hard enough to keep up with the ones that actually know my phone number and my birthday.
- Now my empire expects me to post funny status updates so that I can keep them entertained while they are at work. I don’t need this kind of pressure, Facebook. Finding a job is hard enough! If they want me to keep posting, they’d better start paying for my services.
- You are a complete waste of time. As an unemployed person, I have so many better things to do with my day like getting off my ass and enjoying this kick ass weather.
So Facebook, I hope you enjoy your 250 million friends because now you have one less…or soon you will once I can break my addiction, jackass!
McDonald's Billboard Ad Targets Unemployed
You may have seen this McDonald’s billboard ad on the north side of the bridge heading east towards I-5 from West Seattle and I am fairly confident that this ad campaign is targeting the unemployed. “Three reasons to put your pants on.” Who else could it be targeting, nudists? As an unemployed person, these are the three reasons why I am offended:
They are called “house pants
” not just pants, McDonald’s – get your facts straight! And you should be forewarned – all levels of house pants are considered appropriate attire for drive thrus so be prepared to see everything from airstream trailer printed flannel to holey work out pants. Oh and one last thing – these pants usually come strapped to some unshowered insomniac speaking a language you don’t understand
-so watch out!
This type of food is not allowed in the Muffin Top Reduction Program
and just because we might be packin’ a muffin top, doesn’t mean they actually like your cheap greasy ass food. In fact, mine prefers ice cream!
Unemployed people are rarely up before 10:30 when breakfast at your establishment supposedly ends (or is it 11…cuz nobody seems to know
!), so this ad isn’t going to bring in a bunch of unemployed people…UNLESS you start serving bloody mary’s. Then, we may roll in hungover to get one of those and an Egg McMuffin.
So, next time you’re planning your ad campaigns and want to target unemployed people, consider hiring me as a consultant ($65/hr). I am after all an expert on the unemployed creature.
Back in May, I knew gorilla costumes would become the next big thing and yesterday, someone actually had the balls to steal a 6′ animatronic gorilla in broad daylight from a local garage sale! In case you’re wondering, no I am not the thief and I don’t know the jerks who stole this work of art, but you better believe that if I had bought my own costume back in May, that thing would be put to use today as a crime-fighter!
This morning I attended my mandatory orientation training at the WorkSource unemployment office on Rainier Ave. About three or four years ago when I was laid off, I attended the same mandatory training and guess what? It’s the exact same information, only rather than being slightly useful for the job-market as it was back then, now it’s completely useless. Sweet.
The only new information presented was the tip about using Indeed.com for job-searching online (already got that tip, thanks) and they were handing out vouches for the free training offered by Microsoft (not applicable for me, but thanks). They didn’t stress the importance of networking – they touched on it – saying that we ”should network,” but guess what – actual networking events (attending a job fair, or doing informational interviews with warm job leads that were uncovered through networking) don’t actually count as “job-search activities.” But, if I attend a WorkSource training that’s useless, that counts. They still think that using the old-school method of applying on-line – dropping your resume into the “black hole” – works best. Totally pathetic, I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised. It was just a bit disappointing and I thought to myself – boy I’d like to work here and whip this hosed up system into shape! Complete waste of time in my opinion and now I get to attend the skills training on the 27th! Yippee!!!!!!
Maybe it was just the Rainier Ave WorkSource, but curious what other people have experienced.
I think my alarm clock is hosed. Every morning it keeps waking me up at 5:30-6am because it doesn’t seem to understand that I am jobless and therefore no longer have to get up early. My alarm clock model is below - does anyone have this brand and how the hell can I fix it? It doesn’t respond well to swearing and cursing.
Alarm clock | Model # Louis Feline III
When I was young, I used to get a big kick out of April Fool’s Day and would run around pulling pranks right and left. Fake chocolates, fake dog poo or vomit, whoopie cushions, etc.. Now that I am older and wiser, I am trying to come up better pranks and if I can make money on the prank to earn some cash while unemployed, even better.
Today, I happen to have access to thousands of soil ants. Seems that when I bought this house two years ago the previous owners conveniently forgot to disclose the fact that they had a serious soil ant problem. In fact, I am pretty sure that I am living on top of an entire continent of ants and every Spring they choose a new corner of my house to attack. First year it was my kitchen. I was making breakfast and saw three little ants marching towards the cinnamon toast resting on the counter. I smashed them, left for work and returned later that evening to find that my white counter was now black and moving.
This year, the ants decided to move into my closet. Over the course of four days, two or three ants turned into hundreds and soon it will be thousands if the pest guy doesn’t get here soon. I didn’t sleep a wink last night fearing that I would wake up to find myself being carted off to the ant nest and delivered to the queen as retaliation for killing all her hard working soldiers with Windex. What the hell do the ants want with my closet? There’s no food in there, just clothing. I literally have ants in my pants, people! I have no idea why the queen ant is after my pants, but thankfully she’s only interested in my fancy pants not my house pants as those are resting safely in my dresser far away from my closet.
Because I can’t seem to beat these ants, I am trying to figure out how to monetize this situation. Maybe some of you would be interested in buying ants from me today. I can tell you from experience that ants are totally fucking annoying and they’d make a great April Fool’s Day prank. Several pranks come to mind like delivering a bouquet of flowers laced with ants or maybe dropping a bunch of ants into an enemy’s closet so that they too can have ants in their pants. Or, maybe you could do what my late grandfather did to one of his enemies. Deliver a white frosted cake laced with black soil ants.
So, does anyone want to help an unemployed person earn some extra cash and buy some ants today? I think crickets go for $0.25 each, so how about $0.15 each for ants. If I sell all of the 10,000 ants in my nest, I can make $1500! Or, if you don’t want ants, how about hiring a bored unemployed person to execute or deliver your pranks today? I will do it for 50 bucks a prank if the prank falls within the Seattle-metro area.
Am I the only one who’s still jobless in Seattle and sitting alone unshowered in my house pants until 5pm every day? Where are all the other pink-slipped Seattle-metro area layoffs hiding out? Are you under a rock wallowing in self pity or are you the one I spotted at Unemployment Lake sporting a Snuggie?
If this describes you or one of your friends who own a pink-slip, sounds like its time for a Lady of Leisure intervention. At Lords and Ladies of Leisure, it’s our goal to force socialization and make sure we stick together and have fun as we journey through the land of unemploymentality together. So, if you are sick and tired of the pink-slipped version of your former self, and interested in sharing your story please send me a note at lol.seattle.kr[at] gmail [dot] com.
Filed under Layoffs, Life, Rants
I really try to avoid being Debbie Downer, but here’s what was reported in today’s news in a matter of 6 minutes on MSNBC:
- In a CNBC interview, Warren Buffett reported that the economy has “fallen off a cliff” and he wants Obama to make a clear statement on whether or not he’s going to bail out the banks.
- Out of Illinois, it’s reported that a 27 year old shot his pastor to death at the 8:30am service.
- Extreme windstorms in the mid-west flattened neighborhoods and there’s a huge brush fire in Denver
- Chomper, a dog in CA, won the 14th annual ugliest dog contest. Oh hooray, good news for today!!!
- 700 people applied for 1 janitorial job at a school in Ohio.
After watching todays news and experiencing my own personal reality (below), I thought I would check on suicide rates in the U.S. for 2009. I only uncovered rates for military personnel and turns out they’ve been experiencing record high suicide rates since January and if their investigation proves true, ”more soldiers will have killed themselves than died in combat last month.”
And below is my own personal reality today, but because of Chomper the ugliest dog courtesy of MSNBC news, I am no longer planning on following through with my death by chocolate, at least not today.
- I am still jobless, have a leaky pipe in my shower and my heating bill for the month was $200.
- My investment portfolio is down close to 70% from one year ago, according to my statement from Ameriprise. It’s fallen 25% in just the past 3 months. If I am lucky enough to actually get a job, it seems that I will now need to work well past 65 in order to live comfortably during retirement. That is of course if I actually live to the age of 65 because as it turns out, there are asteroids the size of 10-story buildings flying towards earth.
Thankfully there are people like me who try to report news that falls into the category of “slightly amusing” such as toothless employed men wandering the streets wearing house pants.
When I picture a ”lady o f leisure”, I see a woman who’s cold chillin’ – she’s well rested, relaxed, and has a carefree way about her. She’s doesn’t have to jack herself up on coffee each morning, just so she can stimulate her brain enough to remember the English language in order to write cover letters for job applications on-line. She’s not on night five of the Flip-master 5000. Translation…the Flip-master 5000 is the name of my nightly sleep routine. Flip-masters are very active, flipping from side to side an average of probably 15-20 times a night. Each flip, requiring a half-conscious pillow adjustment so that it’s tucked just right under the neck and head. And, we don’t look like sleeping beauty when we sleep; instead we have a furrowed brow and look very serious and we are serious – serious about trying to get a good night sleep!
Anyway – just had to rant a bit about the no sleeping thing. I’m much better today though thanks to Advil PM, but hate the idea of having to pop pills all the time just to shut me down for a night sleep. If anyone has any good sleep tips, drop me a comment.