McDonald’s billboard ad targeting unemployed?

McDonald's Billboard Ad Targets Unemployed

You may have seen this McDonald’s billboard ad on the north side of the bridge heading east towards I-5 from West Seattle and I am fairly confident that this ad campaign is targeting the unemployed.  “Three reasons to put your pants on.” Who else could it be targeting, nudists? As an unemployed person, these are the three reasons why I am offended:

1. They are called “house pants” not just pants, McDonald’s – get your facts straight! And you should be forewarned – all levels of house pants are considered appropriate attire for drive thrus so be prepared to see everything from airstream trailer printed flannel to holey work out pants. Oh and one last thing – these pants usually come strapped to some unshowered insomniac speaking a language you don’t understand -so watch out!
2. This type of food is not allowed in the Muffin Top Reduction Program and just because we might be packin’ a muffin top, doesn’t mean they actually like your cheap greasy ass food. In fact, mine prefers ice cream!
3. Unemployed people are rarely up before 10:30 when breakfast at your establishment supposedly ends (or is it 11…cuz nobody seems to know!), so this ad isn’t going to bring in a bunch of unemployed people…UNLESS you start serving bloody mary’s. Then, we may roll in hungover to get one of those and an Egg McMuffin.

So, next time you’re planning your ad campaigns and want to target unemployed people, consider hiring me as a consultant ($65/hr). I am after all an expert on the unemployed creature.

Gorilla-napping

Back in May, I knew gorilla costumes would become the next big thing and yesterday, someone actually had the balls to steal a 6′ animatronic gorilla in broad daylight from a local garage sale! In case you’re wondering, no I am not the thief and I don’t know the jerks who stole this work of art, but you better believe that if I had bought my own costume back in May, that thing would be put to use today as a crime-fighter!  

Do you need a Snuggie?

I realize it’s a little hot yet to be making these kinds of decisions, but Fall clothing lines are already hitting stores so you may want to ask yourself if your wardrobe this Fall should include a Snuggie? The chart below might help you decide.  And, if  you’re still on the fence, maybe having a canine partner in crime sporting the same Snuggiefied look will help! Recently released – Snuggies for doggies! I can’t wait for the next Seattle Snuggie Pub Crawl. Who’s in?

Snuggie Graph

“What is your company’s policy on Monday absences?”

It’s hot. I want to get outside and find a pool of water, so today I’m not going to spend a lot of time crafting up a post about how my cats are whining for me to unzip their furry cat suits. Instead, I’m simply going to re-post something from SavvySugar that gave me a chuckle yesterday.

Hiring Managers Share Their Not-So-Fond Interview Memories. Click here to read full story.

It seems like every hiring manager I meet could write a novel of bizarre interview moments. My pals in charge of hiring recently shared their own memorable outtakes, and CareerBuilder rounded up responses from 43 interviewees that stood out in the minds of managers. Here are 10 that stuck with me most.

In response to “Do you have any questions?”:

• “What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it’s raining? Can you pick me up?”
• “What is your company’s policy on Monday absences?”
• “Can I get a tour of the breast pumping room? I heard you have a great one here and while I don’t plan on having children for at least 10 or 12 years, I will definitely breast feed and would want to use that room.”

In response to “Why do you want to work for us?”:

• “My old boss didn’t like me, so one day, I just left and never came back. And here I am!”

In response to “What are your assets?” (as in strengths):

• “Well, I do own a bike.”

See more memorable responses when you read more.

In response to “What are your weaknesses?”:

• “I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning.”

In response to “When have you demonstrated leadership skills?”:

• “Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that.”

In response to “Is there anything else I should know about you?”:

• “You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends.”

In response to “Use three adjectives to describe yourself”:

• “I hate questions like this.”

In response to “Have you submitted your two weeks’ notice to your current employer?”:

• “What is two weeks’ notice? I’ve never quit a job before, I’ve always been fired.”

An insomniac’s guide to communication

As many of you know, I’ve been sleeping like shit for several months now and I think I’ve finally reached full blown insomnia which is what I consider a late-stage side-effect of unemployment. I keep having the biggest brain farts and it seems my first language (uh…English, duh!) has actually become my second language. I’ve started calling my new first language the “language of insomniacs” and today I thought I’d post some tricks of the insomniac trade; a survival guide of sorts to help fellow insomniacs communicate in the waking world. And, for those of you who aren’t insomniacs (lucky bastards!), this guide might serve as a translation tool should you encounter an unemployed insomniac person who’s trying to speak, but you don’t know what the hell they are saying. 

Overview. Insomnia makes it difficult to verbally articulate anything. Stringing sentences together so that it’s coherent is close to impossible and sometimes you completely use the wrong word in a sentence. For example, this weekend I said to my boyfriend “is the grill ready for refrigerator?” What the f*ck does that mean? So yeah, I do this kind of thing all the time now and I’ve decided that rather than beating myself up about feeling like a stupid dip-shit, now I’m just turning every brain fart into a game.  

1. The sentence above  “is the grill ready for the refrigerator?” makes no sense UNLESS you’re playing a “word game” and then it makes perfect sense! I’m trying to tell my boyfriend that there’s something in the fridge that needs to go on the grill without telling him what that item is and now he needs to guess.
2. Trouble stringing sentences together? No worries! If you speak a second language like Spanish or French, why don’t you try speaking your second language first!  Maybe insomnia only impairs your ability to recall your first language. Now, if you are like me and don’t remember any of your high school Spanish unless you’re sauced in Mexico, then you’ll have to try something else. I have resorted to using sound effects and animations to try to get my point across! This has really become my new insomniac primary language and I call it “charades with a twist.” 
3. Misplaced items? If the coffee carafe ends up in the cupboard or the cereal box keeps ending up in the fridge, then you’ve got the makings of this fun insomniac game! I call it the “sleep deprivation scavenger hunt.” Just tell the human you live with that you’ve designed a scavenger hunt inside the house with various household items and when they find all the misplaced items, you will bake them cookies or something.

Well, I hope this was helpful.  Doubt these tricks will work in a job interview, so it’s probably best to only play these games with friends and family. Oh…and if you find any typos in this post, they aren’t typos jerkface-person-who-sleeps-well! Remember, we’re playing a ”word game!”

Side-effects of unemployment

Early-stage side-effects: 

1. The first human encounter of the day turns human deprived unemployed people into dogs reacting to their owner’s return home.  You’ll be greeted with rapid fire verbal diarrhea (human barking) describing in detail every single minute of our day, including showering. Our fast and furious tail wagging is displayed as jumping, clapping and possibly moon-walking. And, there’s a chance of us peeing on the floor and jumping up to lick your face because “oh my god, the humans are home! Humans, humans, humans, weeeee!”
2. Going unshowered and wearing the same pair of house pants (or house shorts) for days on end.
3. You become the “go to” person for your entire family and your “honey-do” list grows in size.
4. Crying spells, laughing spells, crying spells,  laughing spells.
5. Sleeping like shit.

Late-stage side-effects: 

1. Still sleeping like shit.
2. CRS (can’t remember shit) disease slowly develops making you forget things like what day of the week it is (and sometimes what month).
3. You find yourself shirtless at a bar by noon on a Tuesday.
4. Sipping wine at noon while doing laundry.
5. You become progressively tardy. 
6. You develop A.D.D. (unless you already had it). For example, you start working on your resume, then stop and get up to do something (but you can’t remember what it was because you have #1) so you walk over to the fridge and open it, as if the answer is inside. After staring at the contents of your fridge, you remember that you have to go grocery shopping, turn around leaving the fridge door open to go find a piece of paper and pen on your desk. Then, you sit down at your desk and start to read and respond to emails. Twenty minutes later your cell phone rings, so you walk back to the kitchen to answer the phone and see your fridge door open, then think to yourself “I wonder who left that open?” You shut the door and go grocery shopping.
7. Paranoia and procrastination.
8. Eating ice cream with a fork because as much as you like to think of yourself as innovative and resourceful, it’s really that you’ve become too lazy to wash a spoon.
9. You employed friends start calling in sick just so they can experience a day in the life of an LOL and you decide to start charging admission.
10. You get excited about jobs that don’t pay much on Craigs List, like the one below for a Bacontern (Marketing Intern for J&D foods). ”What’s that? I get to wear a bacon costume? Rad! That’s much cooler than the gorilla costume I wanted to purchase…oh the fun I’d have this summer…”

Bacontern (marketing internship for Bacon Salt/Baconnaise)

Want a boring internship? Go work for a bank or an accounting firm. Want a fun internship that will set you on the path to a righteous marketing career? You’ve just found that and more.

We’re Justin and Dave, the two guys behind Bacon Salt® and Baconnaise®. And we’re on a mission to make everything taste like bacon. It’s an exciting time here at J&D’s Foods as our products are now in over 12,000 grocery stores around the country

We’re currently looking for a summer intern to be be the living embodiment of Bacon (often in a 7 foot tall strip of bacon costume) for a summer. We know, we know – getting dressed up as a mascot sounds like the most humiliating thing a human being can be subjected to. The reality is that it’s like being a deity, a celebrity and a superhero in one. Just imagine if Brad Pitt, Snoop Dogg and Superman walked into a room.Women swoon. Men admire you. Children adore you. People line up for pictures. The press takes your picture. Believe us when we say that this is not an oversell.

To qualify, you must:

• Be awesome
• Love bacon
• Know how to have fun
• Know when to stop (as the great David St. Hubbins once said, “It really is a fine line between clever and stupid.” We prefer clever.)
• Be outgoing and fun
• Be smart as hell
• Be sane and mentally stable (despite what it may sound like, we’re actually serious about this)
• Have a great sense of humor

Shirtless at bar before noon

YES! These guys HAVE to be unemployed. Who else would sit shirtless on the patio of a dive bar before noon on a Tuesday? They must know that Tuesday is unemployed person’s day, so cheers to them! Just wish Li’l Scoop had a camera in tow…guess I’ll have to leave it up to my imagination. Oh dear…it’s hard to look away…

Dear Sir, did I wake you?

Terribly sorry to have disturbed you, Master Louis. I know you’ve had a very full day of grooming, napping and eating, but your minion would like to know if she can borrow the remote?

Master Louis Feline III

Oh dear Sir, I didn’t realize that you were watching the game – it seemed your eyes were closed. However,  there is a program that I cannot miss and it’s close to time for you to take your bacon “treat.” Now, where would you like that served? Oh that’s a splendid idea, Master! Why don’t we retire you to my sleeping quarters where you can rest comfortably on your feline-throne-bed. Oh I do hope you’re comfy, Sir. Here is your bacon “treat” and a napkin for the drool on your mouth. Dear Sir, when you’re through, please ring me and I will turn down the sheets for your seventh afternoon nap. Good day.

Whose banana is this?

Bruised, gutted and abandoned on Alki

Um, last night I found someone’s banana washed up, bruised and gutted on the beach near Alki strip. Who abandoned their banana? Wait, maybe it was the Litegeist and I found her boredom beater banana!  Well, whoever’s banana it is, seeing it made me laugh for whatever reason so thanks!

Actually, it reminds me of Don Hertzfeldt’s short animation “Rejected” that starts off with a spoon and banana having a conversation about nothing really, and the banana exclaims proudly “I am a BANANA!”  Cracks my shit up! Oh and the rest of the shorts on the clip are also funny, silly actually and totally random. I love it!

The best job in the world

Several months ago I ran across a job posting that was being marketed as The Best Job in the World, which was basically a brilliant PR campaign and contest for the position of island caretaker for the Great Barrier Reef. I know, right? Where are these types of jobs now and why didn’t you apply, dumb-ass? Well, I didn’t apply for the obvious reason (I had what I thought was a secure job sitting on my ass at Microsoft) and after watching the winner’s application video, I’m glad I didn’t apply because I would have looked like a big ass boring loser (BABL) next to this bloke!

Ok so maybe I was underqualifed for the island caretaker position, but what about this new job posted by the U.S. Department of Labor? You think I have a shot? Comes with some cool perks like 12 weeks paid vacation and a company rocket pack. Really, the only downside to the job is the “hot-tub study” (sounds like some pretty shady shit) – but no job is perfect and beggars can’t be choosers in this job market so how do I apply?