Code of conduct for the unemployed

Any good organization has a code of conduct or set of rules outlining the proper practices or responsibilities of an individual or an organization. So, I came up with my own set of rules for Lords and Ladies of Leisure to ensure that we as a team or as individuals live up to the mission of this organization – to force socialization, encourage laughter and support each other as we travel through unemployment land together. Pink-slips unite!

Guiding principles

a)      Find jobs through networking, online, or stalking – whatever technique will drum up the most qualified leads

b)      Apply for these jobs

c)       Wait for employers to call or email you about these jobs

d)      Hopefully interview for jobs

e)      Wait some more

f)        After you’ve grown tired of waiting, plan on doing something you enjoy because if you enjoy looking for a job then you need to find a life outside of job-hunting my friend.

g)      Oh yeah and attend one training a month at the WorkSource unemployment office so that you don’t get “flagged” in the system.  Remember – it counts as one job-search activity despite the fact that you don’t actually leave with any useful information. For fun, you might consider dragging a fellow LOL along for the ride so it’s less painful.

 

Code of conduct for group interaction

a)     Treat fellow Lords and Ladies of Leisure with respect.

b)     Don’t judge someone if they wear house pants or have a muffin top.

c)      Check your anger or negative attitudes at the door.

d)     Don’t be jerk and blame race, religion, creed or gender for your unemployment situation.

e)     Don’t dwell on the past; have a vision for where you see yourself working in the future.

f)       Share ideas, laugh a lot and have fun.

g)     Give back to the community as an individual or a group whenever possible. 

Outfitting the unemployed

a)     Most days should be spent wearing house pants; whatever level (1-5) works with your daily agenda (stick to the house pants guidelines though!).

b)     It’s ok if you own a Snuggie; just don’t wear it outside the house.

c)      Have one interview outfit dry cleaned, pressed and ready to roll.

d)     Hats and Psssssst dry shampoo are quick solutions for bed head or greasy hair.

Behavioral standards

a)     Don’t get out of bed early unless you have to. A “have to” is an activity that might get you a job. If it doesn’t get you a job, then it can wait.

b)     Showering daily is optional, especially if you are still in PJs at 3pm.

c)      Nap often.

d)     Force socialization at least 3 times a week.

e)     Feed and exercise your muffin top.

f)       Exercise your house pants.

g)     Compulsively clean, organize or disinfect your house.

h)     Work on home improvements if you’re handy.

i)       Talking to yourself, your cat, your dog, squirrels is normal – whatever you need to do so you don’t feel alone is fine.

j)       Throw yourself into your hobbies or volunteering.

The video resume

So, a couple weeks ago while spinning on my cycle trainer, I came up with a great idea of starting a video resume website to help differentiate candidates from the other wolves in the job-hunting pack. However, like most of my ideas, someone already beat me to the punch. CareerBuilder.com tried it a few years ago and now a local company, InterviewStudio, has launched something more robust. They are also offering FREE services to the first 1000 applicants, so it might be worth checking out. I know nothing about this company, so this post doesn’t necessarily mean it has the LOL stamp of approval. Just sharing because most jobless people really like free stuff.

As much as I think a video resume is probably a decent idea, I’m just not sure that I am confident I can keep a straight face during the taping of my video resume. In fact, I am pretty sure I would at some point want to “worm-out.” Now, for those that don’t know what worming-out means and need a visual, check out the Orville Redenbacher Popcorn commercial. Most of my good friends know my motto “when in doubt, worm-out” and have witnessed me on several occasions worming-out in bridesmaid dresses on the dance floor, or during a long musical interlude at karaoke. Bummer I missed Orville’s casting call. 

The worm adds that flavor and shock-factor to any given situation. When people are in shock, they tend to forget what it was they were doing prior to being shocked. For example, you are sitting in a meeting with your boss…or wait, jobless people don’t usually have bosses. OK, um…how about you are in a heated situation (argument with spouse, job interview that’s going side-ways, etc.) and you are getting grilled to the wall about something. This person is being a real prick trying to trip you up,  your head starts spinning and you can’t find any words to recover the situation. The tension in the room is increasing. What do you do? You worm-out. Straight up, just do it. What’s the worst that could happen? And, if you are jobless, you really have nothing to lose, right? I mean, if you find yourself being grilled in an interview, this person is a prick and there’s a good chance you don’t want to work for prick anyway, right? So why not worm-out? There are really only two things that could happen. The guy will either laugh and hire you on the spot because he just realized that he needs comic relief in his office. Or, the interview will end abruptly, not wasting anymore of your time away from house pants. Furthermore, you will be remembered thus differentiating yourself from the other candidates. I only wish I remembered to worm-out after I got laid off. Damn, that would’ve been a hell of an exit!

OK, so enough about the worm and back to the video resume idea. After watching some of the interviews produced by InterviewStudio, I sort of feel they lackluster. But maybe that’s because I’m rarely good at being all business, similar to the backside of a mullet hair-do.  On the resume video front though, I think I really prefer what my friends over at Unemploymentality have come up with. You should check it out, it’s pretty entertaining and doused with extra cheese sauce.

Curious how many people have ever done or considered doing a video resume? If you’ve done one, leave a comment and let me know what you thought of it and whether or not it got you any interviews. 

 

Changing the world one blog post at a time

While I have high hopes that my blog will change the world and I have already been asked to be a guest on the Ellen DeGeneres Show, I think I need to set more realistic expectations. Maybe this blog just changes one life at a time, starting with mine and through my stories I keep a handful of others entertained for one day or a lifetime.

Since I’ve started blogging, I have also come across people in the same boat as me, blogging during unemployment. These two sites are particularly entertaining and after reading their stories, it makes me feel better about my new status.

•  Jobless and Less from NYC
• Unemploymentality from CA

While I am choosing to press pause on the job search temporarily to figure out what the hell I am doing on this earth, it makes me wonder if I have set the wrong expectations. Is it selfish to think that someone has a bigger purpose on the earth and that I should follow my insticts even in this horrible economy?

House pants: what they are and why you need them

Any good unemployed individual (or LOL) learns quickly how important it is to be comfortable. You spend hours on end each and every day surfing the Internet looking for jobs, emailing contacts, and Facebooking. A good part of the morning is probably spent with your laptop, sitting on your couch surfing away with The Today Show, Good Morning America, CNN or Ellen blaring in the background. Or, you might choose to do your job search in the afternoon from a local coffee shop offering free wifi and possibly other unemployed humans for company. In either scenario, comfort is key and this is where house pants come in.

What are house pants? Comfortable pants you normally wear in your house, usually made up of some stretch fabric and possibly having a drawstring waist band. House pants are mostly worn by women, but I have known some men with house pants and it’s accepted by society and the LOL clubJ. What’s important to know about house pants is that apparently there are different levels, according to a graphic designer friend of mine. And, depending on their level determines whether or not it’s ok for you to wear them outside your house. Here’s how the levels breakdown:

Level 1 – 2: These pants are probably not meant for anyone’s eyes other than your own. They are probably what you would think of as PJs, most likely patterned; meant only to give you comfort while sleeping and sipping coffee, tea or wine from your couch when are alone or with someone who really likes you and has accepted you just as you are. They might be really big and at some point they turn into clown pants with knees blowing out requiring a wash/dry cycle to return them to their originals shape. Or, they could be scandalously form-fitting or cling too much to different body parts, showing things other people don’t want to see. If you still question whether or not your pants fall into this category, you should ask yourself if the UPS driver walked up and rang your bell, would you answer the door wearing these pants?

Level  3 – 4: These pants are ok for quick visits to the curb to drag the trash out or grab the mail, but they might also be ok for a run to the mini-mart or the local coffee shop for Joe-to-go (to go…means you are in and out, no lingering in these pants). These pants may show some wear and tear, but overall they are still presentable for the public, but only for brief drive-by scenarios.  

Level 5: These are your nicest pair of house pants. They don’t have any holes or discoloration; they aren’t misshaped in any way and you don’t look like a homeless person. These could be nice Nike workout or running pants or they could be nice cotton or polyester lounge pants. Or, they could even be your most comfortable pair of jean with stretch factor.

Well, I hope this was enlightening and if you have any question as to whether or not your house pants can go on a field trip outside your house, feel free to drop a comment and our community can help you decide.  BTW – I just did an inventory of my house and I have no level 5 house pants so seems that I have to go shopping – anyone who knows where to find the best deal on level 5 house pants, please let me know!

3 weeks post layoff…

Today is week three – to the date – post layoff. I must say that time flies when you aren’t tethered to a desk plugging away all day in an office!  As you might have read in the “About” section, this is my second layoff in about 3 years. One would think that this would feel like old hat to me and I’d be able to skip a range of emotions that naturally flood in when you are “let go”, but that’s not the case.

A layoff feels like a break-up or a death in your family of oneJ. Its considered a major life changing event, so for those of you who find yourselves feeling what you are feeling, don’t worry, you are normal and if you don’t feel anything…then you need to tell me what drug to take to numb the mind!

First there was the shock, but in my gut I knew it was coming – my dream 3 weeks prior pretty much painted the picture for me. Then I celebrated my 35^th birthday with my closest friends, 3 days after the layoff and discovered that it was difficult for me to feel happy. It was great seeing my friends and knowing that I have such an amazing support group, but I think at that point the layoff was starting to set-in along with the fact that I was no longer feeling young and not sure what I was going to do in the next phase of my career.

Week two was spent fighting off a horrible cold that had probably been brewing for about a month prior to the layoff and it finally took hold, taking me down by the jugular. And boy, did I ever feel like a big loser – a 35 year old snot-face, house pants wearing, 2 days without a shower or visitors, jobless loser.

After feeling sorry for myself for a couple more days, I finally saw the light and started taking action – plugging away on my resume, setting up the online job search feeds and networking. After all, people would not be knocking on my door offering me jobs! In looking back at my “crazy energy” during this time, I think it was more of an anger frenzy driving me to try to tackle this new problem head on and not let “THEM” tell me I was a loser!

Now it’s week three – and I’ve settled into my new life, however temporary, and have accepted whatever the universe has in store for me. Setting up a weekly routine is helpful and I’ve also started exploring hobbies that were put on hold, like photography, and I’ve begun new ones like blogging and soon plan to start painting abstracts. Exercise is also key – especially cycling, walking, boxing and yoga (love the boxing and yoga…beat shit up then relax away the bad energy!). And, most importantly, I’ve been given the gift of time to share some quality time with my almost 90yr old grandmother (birthday is this Sunday), helping her with grocery shopping, listening to her stories even if they sometimes feel like stories from “back in St. Olaf” – she loves the company and I have an opportunity to make her day brighter with these visits.

So – I realize I have rambled on a bit – so going to end this with a few words of advice to those loved ones who are possibly concerned about “how you are doing” post layoff. Remind them that you will experience a range of emotions, some of which are hard to watch you go through.  But, you have to go through the cycle and the only thing they can really do to help is listen, validate your feelings and show compassion and empathy. They can’t fix the problem or give you answers and the last thing they should be doing is telling you what you SHOULD be doing. The “shoulds” don’t help – it just feeds the anxiety and we know what we “should be doing” and will do it when we are ready. Just get us out of our house pants, out of the house and find ways to make us smile – the rest is up to us.