Did I peak in kindergarten?

progress_2So, I was having brunch with my family about two weeks ago when my dad whips out my Pupil Progress Report from kindergarten. As I started to read through my progress report, I exclaimed “Oh look how cute this is! I am very good at walking a straight line, have a very good sense of humor and I have extensive language skills!” In fact, my teacher marked me down as being very good (VG), the highest mark, for just about everything, except those things that weren’t yet introduced (NI for not introduced) like “caring for toilet needs independently.” I digress a bit here, but I don’t think the toilet needs thing was being introduced at home yet either because I clearly remember yelling in a sing-songy tone “Mommy, come wipe my bum bum” when I did #2. Good times.


Anyway, as I continued to move through the report with a proud grin on my face, something dawned on me and I yelled “Wait a minute. How could someone who can’t wipe their own butt get the highest marks possible? I mean, it says here I have very good large and small muscle coordination, so if that’s really true, shouldn’t I be able to wipe my own rear? And, why did my teacher have to put ‘very good’ for everything? Seems he was setting me up for failure and disappointment! I mean, according to this progress report, there’s nowhere to go but down from here!” My brother, being the oldest of four siblings and the only boy, suggested that I might have peaked in kindergarten. Hilarious, of course, but it also made me wonder whether or not he might be right?  

While we all want to think we’ve progressed as adults, let’s see how my progress report would look today*.

Physical Development – Large and Small Muscle Coordination

  • Can I still hop or skip in rhythm? Now, what would possess someone my age to hop or skip? I mean, most adults work all day and when I did work in an office prior to my lay off, I don’t recall having a recess period where the hopping and skipping could take place. Instead, I sat behind a desk all day emailing people. So, I am pretty sure that if I were to start skipping around the office in between emails, my coworkers would be concerned. They wouldn’t be saying, “oh, look at the fun she’s having!” And besides, I can’t afford another trip to the doctor for a thrown back or sprained knee. So, I guess I would have to change my progress report score from VG (very good) to L (limited progress).
  • Can I still walk a straight line and manipulate stairs, alternating feet? Again, changing my scores here too from VG to G (good progress). I really can’t claim that I am still “very good” at either of these tasks . A lot has changed since kindergarten. For example, freshman year high school, someone introduced me to booze. And, because we don’t get recess at work, where I could have fun by hopping and skipping, I turned to booze as my fun maker (after work of course) and booze will, therefore at times, negatively impact my ability to walk a straight line and manipulate stairs.
  • Can I still hold and use a pencil correctly? Barely. Because I type most of the time, I do find that when I try to write with a pencil or pen, my handwriting blows as does my spelling. So, guess I have to change my score yet again from VG to limited progress.

Personal Development  – Emotional and Social

  • Do I still seek adult help when needed? Wow – I sure hope so! I mean, at my age, should I be asking a child who to call to fix the foundation on my house? So, I guess my score would remain the same, VG. But, if there were an option to get higher marks on this progress report (which there aren’t because kindergarten set me up for failure or non-progress with all the VGs), I would have to give myself a score of SUPER at this “seeking help from adults” thing. In fact, my therapist told me that I no longer need to see her; that I was all grown up now! Ha! 

Health and Safety

  • Do I care for toilet needs independently? You better believe it! This is one area where I have improved significantly since kindergarten, and my score today would be very good to super! Yay for me and more importantly, yay for you!!
  • Do I generally appear to be well rested? If by well rested you mean, waking up with puffy purple and black bags underneath my eyes and jump starting my restorative sleep-deprived brain with enough caffeine to power a small car, then yes I appear well rested.  Never mind the fact that the media reminds me at least 3 times a day of being jobless in the worst economic recession since the 80’s and that my toughest responsibilities are no longer cleaning my room. I sleep like a child who’s dreaming of waking up to find that her entire bedroom has been turned into candy. So, if there were an option on this report to choose zero progress, that’s where I am at today. 

Ok, well…that was enlightening. The above proves that I have made little to no progress since graduating kindergarten and in fact, it seems I’ve actually digressed in several key areas. Thankfully though, the one area where I’ve excelled since kindergarten is “caring for toilet needs independently” and this is an important one if you think about it, so perhaps I should highlight that on my resume. 

*A note to my future employers. If you are actually reading my blog, thank you for stopping by and I hope you had a laugh or two. This post was especially self-deprecating, but it’s all in good fun. I am actually a very bright individual, who works hard and likes to have fun at work. In fact, if you hired me, I would love to hop or skip around the office just to make people laugh. This would of course only be done during my break time or at recess if that’s something your company offers. If you do,  we might be a match made in heaven!



Filed under Life, Self-deprecation, Slightly amusing

5 responses to “Did I peak in kindergarten?

  1. Foot

    Funniest one yet! I’m so glad for the super addressing of the toilet needs.

  2. Steff Heard

    I’m glad you clarified that NI is Not Introduced. I recently found my Kindergarten Progress Report and obviously didn’t pay much attention – I thought NI was Needs Improvement and was extremely embarrassed for my kindergarten self. Maybe I too peaked back then seeing as how I am now too lazy to read the stupid acronyms. It’s all been a steady descent since age five. So sad.

  3. Your writing is still good even if there is beer involved. Your degenerate brother over on another motorcycling website is very proud of you and wishes that he could write as cleverly and wittily as his sister. I think he also wishes to walk in a straight line some day too. Not hap’nin though.

  4. J Rowe

    Hilarious – I wonder if I got points taken away for peeling the paint off the wall in the corner during my “Thinking/Urnge Chair” time. Although I’m sure I got a solid VG on my mid-day naps on the shag carpet. Still do.

    Good luck on the search! I’ll keep my eyes open!

  5. hi!,I love your writing so a lot! share we communicate more approximately your post on AOL?
    I need a specialist on this area to solve my problem. May be
    that is you! Looking ahead to peer you.

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