Toothless man found wandering streets wearing house pants

If you haven’t yet read the blog post where I break down the levels of house pants, I’d suggest you do it now before this happens to you.

After a very relaxing Sunday morning, one of my most dedicated blog readers (we’ll refer to him as Morty, short for mortification. Also known as my boyfriend) decided to take the trash out before he got dressed for the gym. Wearing his level 1 house pants (pinstripe Gap PJs), he slipped on his flip flops, grabbed the trash bag and carried that along with his half-full cup-o-joe to the front door. Opening the door, he stepped into the cold morning air, quickly closed the door behind him and headed down the front steps to the trash can stored beneath his stairs. After dumping the trash, he climbed back up his stairs, reached for the door knob and turned. It didn’t budge. He tried the door again. No movement. It’s locked and Morty, realizing what he’s wearing, started to panic. He had no spare key hidden outside. His cell phone was inside his house. His garage door remote was locked in his car. And he’d never met any of his neighbors.

Morty took a sip of coffee. Stared at his locked front door. Then turned to look down at the garage door opener sitting inside the locked car. After taking another sip of coffee, he sighed loudly realizing his fate and did an about-face. “Who’s the lucky neighbor?” he thought to himself as he headed down the stairs. When he reached the bottom, he paused a moment to run his tongue across the backside of his front teeth, then realized there was a hole. Seems his fake tooth* was also resting comfortably inside his locked house along with the rest of his belongings. 

Completely mortified, cold and toothless wearing house pants and flip flops carrying his empty cup-o-joe, Morty shuffled down the sidewalk, climbed a neighbors stairs and knocked. The door opened and a young couple with a baby on the way greeted him. Morty explained what happened and they invited him in, despite his appearance.

Making a long story short – after sharing a cup of coffee with his neighbors, borrowing their toilet and using their phone and computer to send out various S.O.S. signals, Morty finally showed up on his girlfriend’s porch an hour and a half  later wearing  his toothless grin and his house pants.

Morale of the story? Remember that only level 3 house pants or higher should be worn outside the house, even if you are just taking a quick trip to the garbage can or mailbox. Your quick trip may get derailed and you could end up like Morty, who got to meet his neighbors for the first time with a missing tooth and wearing house pants.

*The fake tooth was previously attached to the bridge inside his mouth, but an unfortunate bar incident a few weeks prior involving a pint glass and a misplaced drunken elbow knocked it out. After three weeks, it still hasn’t been fixed, despite his girfriend’s complaints that he looks like white trash and that it’s a choking hazard.



Filed under Life, Slightly amusing

4 responses to “Toothless man found wandering streets wearing house pants

  1. Foot

    Been there! Without the toothless part…..yet.

  2. may i suggest a mini laynard connected to tooth and gum?

  3. Pingback: Debbie Downer reporting for duty « Lords and Ladies of Leisure

  4. Marie

    No fucking way!!! hahahahaha. He didn’t have his tooth. :]>

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