Making money on April Fool’s Day

When I was young, I used to get a big kick out of April Fool’s Day and would run around pulling pranks right and left. Fake chocolates, fake dog poo or vomit, whoopie cushions, etc.. Now that I am older and wiser, I am trying to come up better pranks and if I can make money on the prank to earn some cash while unemployed, even better. 

Today, I happen to have access to thousands of soil ants. Seems that when I bought this house two years ago the previous owners conveniently forgot to disclose the fact that they had a serious soil ant problem. In fact, I am pretty sure that I am living on top of an entire continent of ants and every Spring they choose a new corner of my house to attack. First year it was my kitchen. I was making breakfast and saw three little ants marching towards the cinnamon toast resting on the counter. I smashed them, left for work and returned later that evening to find that my white counter was now black and moving.  

This year, the ants decided to move into my closet. Over the course of four days, two or three ants turned into hundreds and soon it will be thousands if the pest guy doesn’t get here soon. I didn’t sleep a wink last night fearing that I would wake up to find myself being carted off to the ant nest and delivered to the queen as retaliation for killing all her hard working soldiers with Windex. What the hell do the ants want with my closet? There’s no food in there, just clothing. I literally have ants in my pants, people! I have no idea why the queen ant is after my pants, but thankfully she’s only interested in my fancy pants not my house pants as those are resting safely in my dresser far away from my closet.

Because I can’t seem to beat these ants, I am trying to figure out how to monetize this situation. Maybe some of you would be interested in buying ants from me today. I can tell you from experience that ants are totally fucking annoying and they’d make a great April Fool’s Day prank. Several pranks come to mind like delivering a bouquet of flowers laced with ants or maybe dropping a bunch of ants into an enemy’s closet so that they too can have ants in their pants. Or, maybe you could do what my late grandfather did to one of his enemies. Deliver a white frosted cake laced with black soil ants.

So, does anyone want to help an unemployed person earn some extra cash and buy some ants today? I think crickets go for $0.25 each, so how about $0.15 each for ants. If  I sell all of the 10,000 ants in my nest, I can make $1500! Or, if you don’t want ants, how about hiring a bored unemployed person to execute or deliver your pranks today? I will do it for 50 bucks a prank if the prank falls within the Seattle-metro area.



Filed under Life, Rants, Slightly amusing

4 responses to “Making money on April Fool’s Day

  1. Joe Robinson


    how about choclate covered ants? My brother Tom’s rental house on NE 57th had the same problem. Apparently the is an ANT EXPRESS WAY underground.

    I prefer Choclate covered Garlic, but only on April 1.

  2. Mel

    Did nobody ever tell you that if you kill one ant, 1000 will come to it’s funeral?!

  3. Rob A

    yeah… if you kill an ant, you must remove the carcass. They give off a scent that attracts more ants… then they carry off the dead… kinda sweet really

  4. Pingback: House pants neglect « Lords and Ladies of Leisure

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