Muffin Top Reduction Program (MTRP)

Dear Mr. Muffin Top,

This communication confirms that, as a result of the changing seasons at Keri Corporation, your position above my waistband is being eliminated. The decision is temporary and your are welcome to return to Keri Corporation next Winter, but effective immediately you will be forced to partake in the Muffin Top Reduction Program (MTRP). If you fail to do so, your position as Mr. Muffin Top will be eliminated forever.

We’ve shared some quality time on the couch this season, wearing house pants and dining on various comfort foods while watching re-runs of  “House” and “Seinfeld.” You, with quality zerbert-making skin spilling out over the top of my waistband. And me, nurturing your growth and laughing at your cheery little jiggle for the past several months. Ah, the memories we’ve shared…like that time, after dining out on wild boar sloppy joes, you suggested we run to the grocery store to buy the makings for that lasagna we’d been eyeballing for about two months…remember? Then, when we got home and started putting the groceries away, we discovered that we didn’t actually have stuff for making lasagna. Instead we had the fixin’s for another great evening on the couch chasing Cadbury Mini-Eggs with red wine! Wow, good times.

You’ve performed well in your role at Keri Corporation, but the sun is beginning to shine now and you are not employable during the warm Summer months. Yes, I hear what you’re saying and I agree that you do tend to brown up nicely in the sun, but I will not be fooled again this year. The dark tan doesn’t create an illusion of slenderness, it simply means the white fat has been browned, like bacon in a frying pan. 

You’ve also been a great Winter companion and your penchant for dance atop the waistline of my pants, will be missed. But because I am confident that you will return to Keri Corporation next Winter, I trust that you will cooperate and take part in the Muffin Top Reduction Program (MTRP). Here are the rules:

  1. When you have a craving, you will be fed a carrot or apple rather than comfort foods like chocolate or grease.
  2. You will no longer get to wear house pants around your neck all day and sit with me on my ass. Instead, we will put you into a pair of workout pants at least four times a week. And in these new pants, we will go for long walks in the park or we might head into the gym where you can visit with the other muffin tops going through their own transformation programs on eliptical machines.
  3. We will also start cycling. Yes, I know you hate being forced into a pair of cycling shorts because they tend to cut off your circulation, but it’s for the best.
  4. You will not be fed past 8pm.
  5. And finally, you will not be encouraged to grow and jiggle. That means no more zerberts and no more dancing. Sorry.


Filed under Diet, Health and Exercise, Life, Self-deprecation, Slightly amusing

14 responses to “Muffin Top Reduction Program (MTRP)

  1. mm

    wow – you are tough! at least your former employer eased you out slowly. what? no severance for muffin top?

  2. Team Sabbatical

    I have a muffin-top that has “wintered-over” for several years now. ..and it never goes on spring-break without me!
    I never thought to “pink-slip” it.

  3. Joe Robinson


  4. kurto

    Poor Mr. Muffin Top. But he is a selfish bastard. You are being too easy on him. Don’t feed him dinner after 6 and make him wake up for regular breakfast with the sun (he’ll wake you up to get his morning gruel. Also it might put Mr. Muffin Top in sync with your alarm clock. 😉

  5. wendy

    just curious…what is Mr. Muffin’s nationality? Mine is banana chocolate chip! I’m not quite ready to have the talk tho…

  6. Professional Muffin

    I think muffin tops rule….IF your a baker. I’m taking my muffin top to a muffin top convention next week in Tucson ….I’ll keep you posted on the browning process!!!

  7. I think muffin tops rule…IF you’re a professional baker!!! I’m taking mine to a muffin top convention in Tucson. I’ll keep you posted on the bake time!!!!

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