Despite my efforts to give my muffin top his seasonal pink-slip last week, he hasn’t left his position above my waistband. In fact, he’s actually doing everything he can to defy Keri Corporations orders to enlist in the mandatory Muffin Top Reduction Program training. Here’s the news story.
As you might recall, Friday CEO and founder of Keri Corporation found three pairs of house pants under her bed with an empty cup of pudding, a situation that was quickly dismissed as “simply an emotional reaction brought on by house pants neglect.” However, new evidence suggests that this activity was just the first phase of a three-pronged approach to destroy Keri Corporation’s plans to force mandatory Muffin Top Reduction Program training.
After the CEO closed up shop on Friday evening, former employee Mr. Muffin Top hijacked the owner’s immune system forcing her into her house pants for the entire weekend. On Easter morning, Mr. Muffin Top then hijacked an Easter basket full of salted almonds and chocolate candy and headed for the home of her former employer. For the next four days, the immune challenged CEO was held hostage in her own home and force fed chocolate and salted almonds by evil Mr. Muffin Top and her collection of house pants. No one, except her cats, could hear her cries for help as they were being muffled by Hershey’s chocolate bunnies and Cadbury Mini Eggs.
Finally today around 1pm, a neighbor spotted a suspicious looking Muffin Top walking out of the CEO’s house arm in leg with a pair of house pants, so she quickly called the police. Authorities found the CEO alive wearing house pants in a bed covered with Easter candy wrappers, a scene that can only be described as pure gluttony. While there is a ton of evidence of foul play, the CEO isn’t going to press charges against the former employee and is temporarily putting the Muffin Top Reduction Program training on hold.