Muffin Top Reduction Program (MTRP)

Dear Mr. Muffin Top,

This communication confirms that, as a result of the changing seasons at Keri Corporation, your position above my waistband is being eliminated. The decision is temporary and your are welcome to return to Keri Corporation next Winter, but effective immediately you will be forced to partake in the Muffin Top Reduction Program (MTRP). If you fail to do so, your position as Mr. Muffin Top will be eliminated forever.

We’ve shared some quality time on the couch this season, wearing house pants and dining on various comfort foods while watching re-runs of  “House” and “Seinfeld.” You, with quality zerbert-making skin spilling out over the top of my waistband. And me, nurturing your growth and laughing at your cheery little jiggle for the past several months. Ah, the memories we’ve shared…like that time, after dining out on wild boar sloppy joes, you suggested we run to the grocery store to buy the makings for that lasagna we’d been eyeballing for about two months…remember? Then, when we got home and started putting the groceries away, we discovered that we didn’t actually have stuff for making lasagna. Instead we had the fixin’s for another great evening on the couch chasing Cadbury Mini-Eggs with red wine! Wow, good times.

You’ve performed well in your role at Keri Corporation, but the sun is beginning to shine now and you are not employable during the warm Summer months. Yes, I hear what you’re saying and I agree that you do tend to brown up nicely in the sun, but I will not be fooled again this year. The dark tan doesn’t create an illusion of slenderness, it simply means the white fat has been browned, like bacon in a frying pan. 

You’ve also been a great Winter companion and your penchant for dance atop the waistline of my pants, will be missed. But because I am confident that you will return to Keri Corporation next Winter, I trust that you will cooperate and take part in the Muffin Top Reduction Program (MTRP). Here are the rules:

1. When you have a craving, you will be fed a carrot or apple rather than comfort foods like chocolate or grease.
2. You will no longer get to wear house pants around your neck all day and sit with me on my ass. Instead, we will put you into a pair of workout pants at least four times a week. And in these new pants, we will go for long walks in the park or we might head into the gym where you can visit with the other muffin tops going through their own transformation programs on eliptical machines.
3. We will also start cycling. Yes, I know you hate being forced into a pair of cycling shorts because they tend to cut off your circulation, but it’s for the best.
4. You will not be fed past 8pm.
5. And finally, you will not be encouraged to grow and jiggle. That means no more zerberts and no more dancing. Sorry.

Unemployed person’s alarm clock

I think my alarm clock is hosed. Every morning it keeps waking me up at 5:30-6am because it doesn’t seem to understand that I am jobless and therefore no longer have to get up early. My alarm clock model is below – does anyone have this brand and how the hell can I fix it? It doesn’t respond well to swearing and cursing.

Alarm clock | Model # Louis Feline III

Pink-slips are uniting!

I just have to say thank you to all the people who came to the Pink-Slips Unite meeting in W. Seattle today. It’s SO nice to see everyone connecting and sharing their stories of unemployment and I truly believe that together we can help each other land the job we want. If not the job, maybe these meet-ups just get you showered (or some form of it) and out of your house pants in order to connect with people in similar boats. 

The talent in the room is incredible and each of you has something unique to bring to the table. We are all experts at something and we have a chance to really pull together, learn from each other and make shit happen. Looking forward to the next meeting. Once I lock down the details, I will post it on the “events” page of my website.

One final thought. My lovely pink-slip lady (tag line is “the aspiring young novelist”) has a phone interview tomorrow and she is very excited about this job. I just wanted to send her some good energy through this post. And, I will do that for every one of you so that those that read the post, will also think about this person for one second.

Pink-slips (or unemployed people) Unite!

Making money on April Fool’s Day

When I was young, I used to get a big kick out of April Fool’s Day and would run around pulling pranks right and left. Fake chocolates, fake dog poo or vomit, whoopie cushions, etc.. Now that I am older and wiser, I am trying to come up better pranks and if I can make money on the prank to earn some cash while unemployed, even better. 

Today, I happen to have access to thousands of soil ants. Seems that when I bought this house two years ago the previous owners conveniently forgot to disclose the fact that they had a serious soil ant problem. In fact, I am pretty sure that I am living on top of an entire continent of ants and every Spring they choose a new corner of my house to attack. First year it was my kitchen. I was making breakfast and saw three little ants marching towards the cinnamon toast resting on the counter. I smashed them, left for work and returned later that evening to find that my white counter was now black and moving.  

This year, the ants decided to move into my closet. Over the course of four days, two or three ants turned into hundreds and soon it will be thousands if the pest guy doesn’t get here soon. I didn’t sleep a wink last night fearing that I would wake up to find myself being carted off to the ant nest and delivered to the queen as retaliation for killing all her hard working soldiers with Windex. What the hell do the ants want with my closet? There’s no food in there, just clothing. I literally have ants in my pants, people! I have no idea why the queen ant is after my pants, but thankfully she’s only interested in my fancy pants not my house pants as those are resting safely in my dresser far away from my closet.

Because I can’t seem to beat these ants, I am trying to figure out how to monetize this situation. Maybe some of you would be interested in buying ants from me today. I can tell you from experience that ants are totally fucking annoying and they’d make a great April Fool’s Day prank. Several pranks come to mind like delivering a bouquet of flowers laced with ants or maybe dropping a bunch of ants into an enemy’s closet so that they too can have ants in their pants. Or, maybe you could do what my late grandfather did to one of his enemies. Deliver a white frosted cake laced with black soil ants.

So, does anyone want to help an unemployed person earn some extra cash and buy some ants today? I think crickets go for $0.25 each, so how about $0.15 each for ants. If  I sell all of the 10,000 ants in my nest, I can make $1500! Or, if you don’t want ants, how about hiring a bored unemployed person to execute or deliver your pranks today? I will do it for 50 bucks a prank if the prank falls within the Seattle-metro area.