Monthly Archives: May 2009

Whose banana is this?

Bruised, gutted and abandoned on Alki

Bruised, gutted and abandoned on Alki

Um, last night I found someone’s banana washed up, bruised and gutted on the beach near Alki strip. Who abandoned their banana? Wait, maybe it was the Litegeist and I found her boredom beater banana!  Well, whoever’s banana it is, seeing it made me laugh for whatever reason so thanks!

Actually, it reminds me of Don Hertzfeldt’s short animation “Rejected” that starts off with a spoon and banana having a conversation about nothing really, and the banana exclaims proudly “I am a BANANA!”  Cracks my shit up! Oh and the rest of the shorts on the clip are also funny, silly actually and totally random. I love it!

1 Comment

Filed under Life, Random thoughts, Slightly amusing

Spotted: pink-slips having fun

Here’s photo evidence of what can happen when you let pink-slipped unemployed people run wild with cameras in downtown Seattle on a bright sunny day. We’ll kidnap willing tourists, make friends with strangers, find peace in gum and have a lot of fun. Damn it sucks to be in the LOL crew!

3 Comments

Filed under Entertainment, Life, Sanity tips

Fear, shut yer pie hole

Normally, I do my blog posting on Mon/Wed/Friday, but the post below from Litegeist was so inspiring that I had to share. I needed some encouraging words today too because that little fucker by the name of Fear has been yammering on in the background of my mind the past couple days and now….he’s just a mumbling idiot pie hole wrapped in duct tape. Thanks Litegeist!

The Four Things You Need to Start Your Dream Job (And the one thing you don’t)
 
It’s official: there’s no more hierarchy. There are no more titles. There’s definitely no ladder with endless ambiguous rungs to be climbed. Whatever you want to do, do it. It’s the 21st century, and there’s absolutely no reason not to.

If you have a couch, a coffeemaker, a laptop, and a couple kindred like-minded souls whose talents complement yours, congratulations, you’ve got a company. With the multitude of how-to’s and tutorials on the web, the amazing software available, and the ease with which you can now create business cards and websites, there is absolutely nothing standing in the way of you doing exactly what you want to do, exactly the way you want to do it.

For example, I want to make viral interactive experiences. Taking something static and making it in to a three-dimensional, dancing, singing, cursing, wriggling rich interactive experience is the thing that makes my heart pound, my eyes glaze, and time streak away in dripping technicolor, like a butterfly made of toast and butter in a Lewis Caroll movie. And that conviction, that spasm of glee, is the only foundation, the only certification (I am recasting this word to now mean steeped in certitude) I need to begin.  But it took me a while to realize this.

For months I’ve been waiting for a Creative Director position. I figure if I can just get someone to look at my portfolio, affirm my awards, make little nodding sounds of approval as I discuss synergy and metrics, I can then finally, finally make viral interactive experiences. But then it hit me: I could just go ahead and start making viral interactive experiences now. So I am.

I am writing a novel, which will eventually become a screenplay, which will eventually be promoted via a viral marketing campaign including posters, videos, websites, blogs, whisper campaigns, mullets, cherries, the number 5, baby rattles, and much, much more.

Now that I know this, I am working in leaps and bounds to make it happen. I have already become proficient in Pages and Iweb, which is riveting in this freaky, giddy, Faustus, unearthing creative fashion. Next up is photoshop and Imovie, and maybe a little Garage Band, who knows? Knowing that creativity is my core gift, I will apprentice myself to each and every tool that will allow me to flow in my natural-born talents.

Most importantly, I won’t wait for some arbitrary nod of approval to begin my heart-pounding, insomniac-inducing, giddy-glee career pursuits. I want to begin my dream job now. I have all the kindling to ignite my creative destiny, and I’m going to go from apathetic lighter-flicker to full-on passionate pyro. Permission granted, Self. Let the flames of creativity begin.

The moral of the story is,  don’t wait for a job offer, a shiny office, a fancy title, 401k, or whatever else you think you need to reassure you that you are what you already know deep down you are. Act first, and the fancy titles and 401k will come naturally. I promise. Or if they don’t, your life will be so awesome you won’t care.

4 Comments

Filed under Guest Bloggers, Life, Sanity tips

The best job in the world

Several months ago I ran across a job posting that was being marketed as The Best Job in the World, which was basically a brilliant PR campaign and contest for the position of island caretaker for the Great Barrier Reef. I know, right? Where are these types of jobs now and why didn’t you apply, dumb-ass? Well, I didn’t apply for the obvious reason (I had what I thought was a secure job sitting on my ass at Microsoft) and after watching the winner’s application video, I’m glad I didn’t apply because I would have looked like a big ass boring loser (BABL) next to this bloke!

Ok so maybe I was underqualifed for the island caretaker position, but what about this new job posted by the U.S. Department of Labor? You think I have a shot? Comes with some cool perks like 12 weeks paid vacation and a company rocket pack. Really, the only downside to the job is the “hot-tub study” (sounds like some pretty shady shit) – but no job is perfect and beggars can’t be choosers in this job market so how do I apply?

2 Comments

Filed under In the news, Job search tips, Slightly amusing

Passion! It’s passion, people!

About a month ago, one of my fellow unemployed creativites did something very out of the box. She spammed every creative agency she knew in Seattle, pitching her product (the product is her of course, she’s jobless). And guess what? It worked, she got the interview! You know why it worked? Because she was passionate about working for that company, passionate about her product, passionate about writing creative stuff and all of this spewed forth in her email pitch. According to a smart guy I know, passion is apparently the key to getting interviews and differentiating yourself in this job market. Now, she didn’t get the job because as it turns out, there really wasn’t a job available and these ass clowns just brought her in for sheer entertainment purposes, but that’s a story for another time.

So anyway – yeah –  it’s this passion thing that will land you the job I guess! I know, duh Keri, right? But you see, I haven’t been super passionate about my job in a very long time and my resume highlights all the boring details of my passionless career.  And that’s just it. My resume is freaking boring as hell and does absolutely nothing to showcase my interests, passion, energy or creativity. Which is fine, I suppose if I want to land a job that’s ultimately going to bore me to death, force me to color inside the lines and suck out my soul! And sadly enough, these are all the types of jobs that I am seeing online, which as you know don’t interest me.

Now before I continue with this thought, I want to compare my resume to my blog for a minute because I think it’s important. (Prepare yourself, you are about to witness “a-mother-f*ing-a-ha” moment people! )When I got laid off from my job at Microsoft, I felt like a no talent ass clown wearing house pants and growing a muffin top. Then, I did something crazy and started blogging about this experience and a funny thing happened. I discovered a new talent and a new passion – creative writing. Yes, I knew I could communicate since I came from a PR/marketing background (with some project management sprinkled in), but I really didn’t know that I could WRITE, write and here’s what I mean by that.

People who’ve met me and have heard me verbally tell my crazy stories have told me that when they read my blog, they can actually hear me talking and see my mannerisms. I had no idea I could do this! None at all and this my friends is the first “a-ha moment” and now…wait, wait for it! Here’s the other and it goes back to that passion thing.

While I haven’t been getting job interviews (just the one!), strangely enough I’ve been getting media interviews. Why? Probably because my blog is different and it’s over-flowing with the real-deal Keri, the one I know well and have a love hate relationship with. The irreverant one that rolls unscripted, who’s naturally off-the-cuff. The one who’s dreaming up random inventions or ideas about nothing and everything all at once. The interesting one, the out-of-the box creativite who’s drawing outside the lines and loving it. The passionate me. So it seems there are two completely different candidates (both in the same body!). We have the resume Keri (a lifeless being, who’s been going through the motions) and the blog Keri (an energetic, determined and passionate woman who’s reinventing herself so she can make a personally meaningful difference on this earth). Now, who would you hire?

Thankfully I got that gift of the pink-slip, took a chance on blogging and uncovered this new writing passion. And, thanks to my blog and my outgoing personality, I’ve also discovered that I really like networking and helping people who are jobless find themselves, find a job or when all else fails, to simply find humor in their house pants. I like what I am doing and I’m not making a dime. Isn’t that interesting.

7 Comments

Filed under Career changes, Job search tips, Life

Pink-slip workout tips

On a tight budget and can’t afford a your gym membership anymore? Below are some ideas, many of which I’m considering as my pre-paid gym membership expires in June. I know, funny this advice should come from me, the one who couldn’t get the Muffin Top Reduction Program off the ground in April, but I am back at it and brining in reinforcements this time around (in the form of other pink-slippers)!!   

Comcast On-Demand Workouts. Up until just recently, I’ve always thought the On-Demand feature through Comcast was a stupid waste of money until I discovered the vault of FREE Exercise TV workouts, offering programs that range from super easy (1 mile in-house walking) to super cheesy (SexyChair Routine?) to super kick-your-ass pleasy (Jillian Michaels 30-day Shred)! Seriously, there’s something for everyone with yoga, pilates, cardio, dance, kick-boxing, and ab workouts (reviewed at Litegeist) and you do it all from the comfort of your own home, which means that:

  1. you don’t need to brush your teeth
  2. you can leave that drool crustacean on the corner of your mouth and
  3. you can let your muffin top hang out/shake about because nobody’s watching. Just your cat or dog, but they’ve seen it all before.

Press On-Demand, go to Sports and Fitness, the choose Exercise TV.

A jump rope. Does anyone remember Jump Rope for Heart? My Catholic grade school was all about this Jump Rope for Heart program and I remember having to hit up my neighbors for money in exchange for me jumping rope until I wanted to die – it was torture! And now that I am decades older and I’ve lost agility, coordination and lung capacity, jumping rope has become even more challenging! But, once mastered it’s a great workout. Now, I’m not going to lie to you – the rope will leave red welts on your arms and shoulders almost every time you miss a step,  but just think of this as punishment for all the time you’ve spent on the couch feeding your muffin top and take it like a man (or woman!). Once you get the hang of it, you’ll realize it’s a pretty intense cardio workout. Add in some push-ups and sit-ups and you’ll be rolling muffin-top free in no time!

Punching Bags/Boxing. I actually own a heavy bag, focus mitts and other kickboxing equipment, but I have yet to figure out how to hang my heavy bag as I don’t seem to have a spare corner in my tiny house. And, none of my friends want to hold my focus mitts for me because I’m pretty aggressive and they freak out that they’ll get socked in the eye! Regardless, I do still believe that this is one of the best workouts on the planet, so if you have a heavy bag or can find a cheap one on Craig’s List, do it.  Come on – how kick ass was Rocky Balboa? (cue up Rocky theme song now). Ok, yeah his sweatsuit was super cheesy, but look at his abs and arms for god-sake? Helloooo, Rocky ;).

Stairs and Hills. If the weather ever freaking improves (remind me again – when can I break up with my puffy coat?) and you live in West Seattle, look around you people! Hills are everywhere and most have a secret set of stairs nearby! Hill climbs and stairs burn so many more calories than running or walking on flat surfaces. Add some lunges into the equation and you’ll likely end up with booty-lock (when your ass and thighs hurt so bad you can’t walk), but you’ll soon find these activities to be quite rewarding, especially in your derriere! 

Alki Strip. The strip is approximately 7 miles in length from the Harbor Avenue exit to just past the mini-Statue of Liberty and it’s a nicely paved path great for cycling, rollerblading, running and walking. However, when the sun comes out, especially on weekends, Alki turns into a melee of pimps and hoes (mostly teenagers wearing high heels & toting chihuahuas), strollers and toddlers wandering in a zig-zag pattern on the bike path. It gets pretty hairy so exercise early, or exercise extreme caution, especially when you’re on wheels.

2 Comments

Filed under Budget tips, Diet, Health and Exercise, Resources

Shudda bought the gorilla costume

This past weekend I went to explore the West Seattle garage sale for a bit with a fellow LOL team member and after feeling like Crabby Craberson most of today, now I’m super pissed that I didn’t buy that $75 full body gorilla costume I found. Why? Because on days like today, when nothing seems to make me feel better, it’s things like the gorilla costume that would come in handy. Think about all the things you could do with a gorilla costume, especially when unemployed:

  1. Just look at it hanging on your door and think to yourself “my god, what has unemployment done to me?” Then put it on and chase your cats around the house.
  2. Put it on and affix a sign around your neck that says “pink-slipped gorilla for hire.” Then get in your car, drive to the nearest grocery store and wander around offering to help people with their grocery shopping, yard work, and dog walking for a small fee.
  3. Put it on and affix a new sign around your neck that says “pink-slipped guerrilla marketer for hire.” Drive to the water taxi, jump off and wander around downtown not saying a word. Just hand out your resume. 
  4. Put it on and affix yet another sign around your neck that says “photos with a gorilla, $5” and see how much money you can make.
  5. Try wearing the costume to bed. Then, when you get up to go pee and catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror you will either freak out and try to karate-chop yourself or start laughing. You might even do both, which is fine because both are funny.

Yes, I know that I am strange. But, if you keep coming back to this blog then it’s apparent that you like strange people and that’s likely because you’ve come to the realization that normal people are boring and life’s too damn serious.

Ok, enough. Off to chase the sun  – I think it crept out from behind all those gray clouds so if you are behind a desk, sitting in an office without windows, it’s time for your afternoon coffee break! 

P.S. If you want to donate $75 to me so that I can buy the gorilla costume, that would be super. I really do want it, but as an unemployed person it didn’t seem like a must have item. I hope it’s still available!

6 Comments

Filed under Life, Outfitting, Sanity tips, Slightly amusing