Side-effects of unemployment

Early-stage side-effects: 

  1. The first human encounter of the day turns human deprived unemployed people into dogs reacting to their owner’s return home.  You’ll be greeted with rapid fire verbal diarrhea (human barking) describing in detail every single minute of our day, including showering. Our fast and furious tail wagging is displayed as jumping, clapping and possibly moon-walking. And, there’s a chance of us peeing on the floor and jumping up to lick your face because “oh my god, the humans are home! Humans, humans, humans, weeeee!”
  2. Going unshowered and wearing the same pair of house pants (or house shorts) for days on end.
  3. You become the “go to” person for your entire family and your “honey-do” list grows in size.
  4. Crying spells, laughing spells, crying spells,  laughing spells.
  5. Sleeping like shit.

Late-stage side-effects: 

  1. Still sleeping like shit.
  2. CRS (can’t remember shit) disease slowly develops making you forget things like what day of the week it is (and sometimes what month).
  3. You find yourself shirtless at a bar by noon on a Tuesday.
  4. Sipping wine at noon while doing laundry.
  5. You become progressively tardy. 
  6. You develop A.D.D. (unless you already had it). For example, you start working on your resume, then stop and get up to do something (but you can’t remember what it was because you have #1) so you walk over to the fridge and open it, as if the answer is inside. After staring at the contents of your fridge, you remember that you have to go grocery shopping, turn around leaving the fridge door open to go find a piece of paper and pen on your desk. Then, you sit down at your desk and start to read and respond to emails. Twenty minutes later your cell phone rings, so you walk back to the kitchen to answer the phone and see your fridge door open, then think to yourself “I wonder who left that open?” You shut the door and go grocery shopping.
  7. Paranoia and procrastination.
  8. Eating ice cream with a fork because as much as you like to think of yourself as innovative and resourceful, it’s really that you’ve become too lazy to wash a spoon.
  9. You employed friends start calling in sick just so they can experience a day in the life of an LOL and you decide to start charging admission.
  10. You get excited about jobs that don’t pay much on Craigs List, like the one below for a Bacontern (Marketing Intern for J&D foods). “What’s that? I get to wear a bacon costume? Rad! That’s much cooler than the gorilla costume I wanted to purchase…oh the fun I’d have this summer…”

Bacontern (marketing internship for Bacon Salt/Baconnaise)

Want a boring internship? Go work for a bank or an accounting firm. Want a fun internship that will set you on the path to a righteous marketing career? You’ve just found that and more.

We’re Justin and Dave, the two guys behind Bacon Salt® and Baconnaise®. And we’re on a mission to make everything taste like bacon. It’s an exciting time here at J&D’s Foods as our products are now in over 12,000 grocery stores around the country

We’re currently looking for a summer intern to be be the living embodiment of Bacon (often in a 7 foot tall strip of bacon costume) for a summer. We know, we know – getting dressed up as a mascot sounds like the most humiliating thing a human being can be subjected to. The reality is that it’s like being a deity, a celebrity and a superhero in one. Just imagine if Brad Pitt, Snoop Dogg and Superman walked into a room.Women swoon. Men admire you. Children adore you. People line up for pictures. The press takes your picture. Believe us when we say that this is not an oversell.

To qualify, you must:

  • Be awesome
  • Love bacon
  • Know how to have fun
  • Know when to stop (as the great David St. Hubbins once said, “It really is a fine line between clever and stupid.” We prefer clever.)
  • Be outgoing and fun
  • Be smart as hell
  • Be sane and mentally stable (despite what it may sound like, we’re actually serious about this)
  • Have a great sense of humor
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8 Comments

Filed under Diet, Health and Exercise, Life, Slightly amusing

8 responses to “Side-effects of unemployment

  1. #6

    Oh my God, the ADD! It’s embarrassing how many times I sit down to look up one thing on the internets. Suddenly, I look up, it’s 1 pm, I’ve forgotten to eat breakfast and lunch, I haven’t applied for anything, and most of the day has disappeared right through my fingertips.

    Great list. Please do not do the Bacontern thing. Your soul will never forgive you. I’m telling you this as a friend.

  2. Know what else causes you to develop “CRS” and “A.D.D”? Deciding to be a stay-at-home-Mom. I don’t regret it for a second but there are days when frankly I am just plain dumb. HA! I just embrace it now.

  3. It'sNotBacon

    If you love bacon, don’t take that internship! There is no bacon in Baconnaise.

  4. Nick

    Oh my gosh you just listed my side-effects of being unemployed! Especially since I had to scroll back up the page to remember what the word was I was looking for. “side-effects.” I’m not alone! (Thank God). Yeah we unemployed-ees are a funny bunch.

  5. Pingback: An insomniac’s guide to communication « Lords and Ladies of Leisure

  6. Pingback: Creepy, annoying or brilliant marketing? « Lords and Ladies of Leisure

  7. Really great job on this post, did you get someone to do the design for your blog? I really like it.

  8. Still there are many undmployed one. To develop our coundry we should make them employed. Its our duty to help them.So be proud of your coundry and make our coundry developed.

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