Today I thought it would be fun to chart my moods swings over the past several months of unemployment. As you can see from the below, it’s been very up and down, but upon closer analysis I’ve actually uncovered some interesting tidbits.
- My insomnia started when I was in my “fuck-you pink-slip” high phase, which as it turns out was likely fueled by high levels of cortisol running through my body. How did I know my cortisol was crazy? Well, there was the obvious physical evidence (a flourishing muffin top), but to rule out ice cream consumption as the main cause of the muffin top growth spurt, my chiropractor suggested I take a saliva stress test to measure biochemical imbalances. As it turns out, my cortisol levels were three times higher than normal at bedtime, which explains my inability to sleep. No sleep exacerbates anxiety. Anxiety means cortisol. Cortisol and ice cream feeds the muffin top that in turn gets me all hopped up on shitty foods (and caffeine) that prevent sleep. Wee…what a fun cycle!! My naturopath, who interpreted the results of the stress test, used words like “adrenal fatigue” and “pre-diabetic conditions” so now I’m in the process of making a complete lifestyle change (diet, exercise, meditation, etc.) because the alternative doesn’t sound pleasant.
- The chart also indicates that despite efforts to reduce cortisol levels the past two months by using the natural remedies above (which are slow), maybe the best medicine came in the form of actually make a decision about my future. Could all this soul-searching over the summer have been more stressful than getting a pink-slip or having a job that I didn’t enjoy? All signs point to yes.
- And finally, did switching to decaf actually improve my ability to make a decision about the direction of my future? I don’t have any scientific evidence that this is the case, but I can’t help but think it did. Caffeine is known to feed anxiety and when you’re sleep deprived and anxious, making an informed and rational decision is close to impossible. Instead, you seek solace in ice cream.
Well, there’s the recap of the “summer of Keri.” Wasn’t that a fun ride?
I’m sorry, but this relationship is no longer working for me so I am breaking up with you for the following reasons.
- You are addictive and now I’m forced to attend voyeurs anonymous.
- You promote unfair competition. Like my baby is cuter than yours. My vacation was better than yours. My relationship is amazing. I have more friends than you. What about the people who don’t have these things you heartless bastard?
- I don’t care to receive virtual gifts, you jerk! Why don’t you spend the money and buy me something real!
- I also don’t like throwing fake ass snowballs. Next time it snows, it’s on. You and me in an open field. I’m gonna pelt your ass.
- Daily you destroy my faith in relationships by allowing people to update their relationship status. I mean, is it really necessary for me to see someone go from “single” to “married” to “divorced” to “it’s complicated” to “in a relationship” all over the course of a week? Are all these people on Match.com or something?
- You fuel A.D.H.D. and people are popping Adderall just to keep up with you, the Twitters and all these other technologies. Are you sleeping with someone else, perhaps someone in the pharmaceutical industry? Is your next cool feature going to be a virtual Adderall pill so that everyone can keep up with the happenings of their Facebook-Twitter empires?
- You’re an idiot and I don’t know how to operate all your stupid settings. Where is your instruction manual?
- I don’t need 224 friends so quit trying to make me have so many! It’s hard enough to keep up with the ones that actually know my phone number and my birthday.
- Now my empire expects me to post funny status updates so that I can keep them entertained while they are at work. I don’t need this kind of pressure, Facebook. Finding a job is hard enough! If they want me to keep posting, they’d better start paying for my services.
- You are a complete waste of time. As an unemployed person, I have so many better things to do with my day like getting off my ass and enjoying this kick ass weather.
So Facebook, I hope you enjoy your 250 million friends because now you have one less…or soon you will once I can break my addiction, jackass!
McDonald's Billboard Ad Targets Unemployed
You may have seen this McDonald’s billboard ad on the north side of the bridge heading east towards I-5 from West Seattle and I am fairly confident that this ad campaign is targeting the unemployed. “Three reasons to put your pants on.” Who else could it be targeting, nudists? As an unemployed person, these are the three reasons why I am offended:
They are called “house pants
” not just pants, McDonald’s – get your facts straight! And you should be forewarned – all levels of house pants are considered appropriate attire for drive thrus so be prepared to see everything from airstream trailer printed flannel to holey work out pants. Oh and one last thing – these pants usually come strapped to some unshowered insomniac speaking a language you don’t understand
-so watch out!
This type of food is not allowed in the Muffin Top Reduction Program
and just because we might be packin’ a muffin top, doesn’t mean they actually like your cheap greasy ass food. In fact, mine prefers ice cream!
Unemployed people are rarely up before 10:30 when breakfast at your establishment supposedly ends (or is it 11…cuz nobody seems to know
!), so this ad isn’t going to bring in a bunch of unemployed people…UNLESS you start serving bloody mary’s. Then, we may roll in hungover to get one of those and an Egg McMuffin.
So, next time you’re planning your ad campaigns and want to target unemployed people, consider hiring me as a consultant ($65/hr). I am after all an expert on the unemployed creature.
Back in May, I knew gorilla costumes would become the next big thing and yesterday, someone actually had the balls to steal a 6′ animatronic gorilla in broad daylight from a local garage sale! In case you’re wondering, no I am not the thief and I don’t know the jerks who stole this work of art, but you better believe that if I had bought my own costume back in May, that thing would be put to use today as a crime-fighter!
I realize it’s a little hot yet to be making these kinds of decisions, but Fall clothing lines are already hitting stores so you may want to ask yourself if your wardrobe this Fall should include a Snuggie? The chart below might help you decide. And, if you’re still on the fence, maybe having a canine partner in crime sporting the same Snuggiefied look will help! Recently released – Snuggies for doggies! I can’t wait for the next Seattle Snuggie Pub Crawl. Who’s in?