Category Archives: Random thoughts

Pink-slips are uniting!

I just have to say thank you to all the people who came to the Pink-Slips Unite meeting in W. Seattle today. It’s SO nice to see everyone connecting and sharing their stories of unemployment and I truly believe that together we can help each other land the job we want. If not the job, maybe these meet-ups just get you showered (or some form of it) and out of your house pants in order to connect with people in similar boats. 

The talent in the room is incredible and each of you has something unique to bring to the table. We are all experts at something and we have a chance to really pull together, learn from each other and make shit happen. Looking forward to the next meeting. Once I lock down the details, I will post it on the “events” page of my website.

One final thought. My lovely pink-slip lady (tag line is “the aspiring young novelist”) has a phone interview tomorrow and she is very excited about this job. I just wanted to send her some good energy through this post. And, I will do that for every one of you so that those that read the post, will also think about this person for one second.

Pink-slips (or unemployed people) Unite!

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Filed under Economy, Events, Layoffs, Life, Random thoughts, Resources

Barefoot crop duster

There are a lot of things that I do not miss about working in my former office.

  1. I no longer have a 90 minute commute in a stick shift.
  2. I no longer have CRS (can’t remember shit) and forget where I was going after getting up from my desk to go somewhere – was it the printer, the mail room, the kitchen or the bathroom? Maybe I should just do all of them since the walk is so incredibly long.
  3. My frustration levels for inanimate objects has been greatly reduced, especially printers that are on the other side of the building that don’t print when you ask them to. Then forget to tell you that instead of printing they are offline, spooling or have a paper jam and you learn this information after making the long walk to the printer with the hopes of retrieving your document. 
  4. I no longer have to share a restroom with people that insist on talking on their cell phones while doing business on the toilet.
  5. And, one of my favorites. I no longer have to worry about possibly running into the barefoot developer dude who wanders the halls crop dusting unsuspecting coworkers with silent toxic ass fumes.  Oh pink-slip hander-outter, my nostrils do thank you!

Barefoot crop duster developer dude, this post is for you. Note: I am not the author of the below. Don’t know who is, but it always gives me a good laugh.

How To Poop At Work

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.

For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where abouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

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Filed under Life, Random thoughts, Slightly amusing

The ties that bind

Well, it’s official. Monday was the final drop of all things belonging to my former employer. It totally felt like a relationship break-up, where after about 2 months post break-up conversation you finally decide that it’s really over and set a time to meet and exchange the box of goods that had accumulated at each others houses over time. I returned five things, but only left with two items – my Rubix Cube and my small white board, as these had sentimental value. The white board wasn’t used to track projects and deadlines, instead it was called the “sneeze-tracker” and kept a tally of the daily sneeze explosions in our cramped cube space ; it often made people chuckle. And the Rubix Cube is just a simple reminder that my life is also a colorful puzzle that takes time to sort itself out. Unlike the Rubix Cube though, my life doesn’t come with easy to follow instructions explaining how to solve the puzzle. But it does come with its own internal guidance system and on Monday, as I made my final exit through the doors, I heard it loud and clear. An overwhelming sense of relief, reassuring me that this break-up was a good thing. I knew that I would no longer feel bound.  
 
I give my best to those still standing.  It can’t be easy to go into the office every day and see the empty seats of your fallen comrades. I wish you all well and ask only one thing. Email me at home when you sneeze :). The sneeze-tracker is back in action and the operator is standing by in house pants.
Steven Miller Photography, "Bound"

Steven Miller Photography, "Bound"

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Filed under Layoffs, Life, Random thoughts

Pink-slip party splits hairs over fries

Yesterday I had lunch with two of my pink-slip pals from Microsoft and I was pleasantly surprised at how relaxed they both seemed. While the media tries to instill fear with all the doom and gloom, then attempts to season that bad news with one slightly more positive piece about a Turkish man who escapes near death, it’s nice to see that there are still a handful of us trying to embrace this time off rather than fighting what’s out of our control. Or so I thought…

While we all seemingly appeared to be cool with our greatly reduced incomes, and we chose a location that didn’t have any pink-slip lunch specials and required us to pay for metered parking, when our lunch bill finally came for 2 pitchers of PBR ($18), 3 wild boar sloppy joes ($30) and 2 sides of fries ($6), I felt that awkward pause as we all tried to digest the $60 bill. Someone finally broke the silence with, “should we just split this three ways?” Someone (uh, that’d be me) responded with, “I didn’t order fries and only ate a handful of yours.” Someone delivered a “well I didn’t drink my fair share of beer so…”

Well, there is is. I was guilty of trying to split hairs over $6 worth of fries, as my fear of running out of money took hold. Seems I am not immune to media influence after all.

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Filed under Economy, Layoffs, Life, Random thoughts

Will work for room and board

Ok so, I’ve spent close to a week here in Chico visiting with my sister who not only bought my plane ticket down using her miles, but she’s also been kind enough to give me free room, board and booze. In exchange, all I’ve really done is the following: 

  1. I tend to her dogs during the day while she’s at work. This includes feeding them breakfast (which is actually lunch by the time I get around to it); letting her dogs out to potty throughout the day and while outside, preventing Ginger from running Buster, the old blind dog, into the pool or a flower pot.
  2. I spend most of the time sitting at her kitchen counter using her laptop to wirelessly mooch off her neighbors internet, as my sister only has dial-up.
  3. I’ve slept not-so-soundly now in two of her beds. Yes, two beds. The first night was spent flipping around smacking lumpy pillows on a very new, very firm mattress. The second night was spent sleeping on the new pillows (I suggested she purchase that day at Costco) in her other guest bed because I thought the first one was too hard. Then,  after getting a few mattress springs jammed into my back a dozen or so times, I took the new pillows back to the first bed at midnight. So, what this all boils down to is that I have now “dirtied” two beds and my suitcase has fully exploded all over one of her guest rooms.
  4. What else…OH! I took the recycling out yesterday, did a set of dishes, grated some cheese for dinner, and picked up all my cycling gear in the living room – all without being asked! 
  5. I’ve also taught my sister how to reconnect with friends of the past through Facebook. She doesn’t really want an account of her own, and states that “I don’t really want connect with them. I just want to see photos of them now and find out what they are up to”. Ah, Facebook is voyerism at its best! 
  6. And finally, I think I bought a round of drinks that ended up giving my sister a really big hangover at work the next day. 

So, as you can see, I have basically been a big freeloader all week! My sister, recognizing this, handed me a real project today to tackle while she was at work. The project : call AT&T and Comcast to compare high speed internet pricing, give my sister a recommendation via phone and then order the service. Easy enough, right? Wrong. This project took me an hour and a half to complete and my sister’s husband said to me “I sure wouldn’t have had the patience to deal with that, but sure glad you weren’t on the clock!” While I laughed, I also felt like I had failed a bit at my first project. But then I remembered who I actually called – a phone company and a cable service provider, both with phone trees from hell and customer NON-service reps who clearly do not like their jobs.

Anyways, my house pants and I are heading back to Seattle tomorrow before my sister asks me to call the gas company to inquire about rebates. She tells me that’s 1-800-this-call-is-gonna-suck.

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Filed under Life, Random thoughts

Have house pants will travel

It’s been a few days since my last blog post so I should apologize to my followers – albeit a very small group – who might be experiencing LOL deprivation or knowing what the lady of leisure is up to each day.

I packed up my house pants and headed south, hoping for a blast of sunshine and some quality cycling time with my sister. But, seems Mother Nature had other plans for me so instead I get to stay inside all day sitting at her kitchen counter watching the torrential downpour of sideways rain! There’s also no high speed Internet so it’s forcing me to unplug, which is long overdue post layoff.

So, what am I doing with my days? I am only on Day 1, but last night I was fully entertained by my sister’s dog Ginger – a Jack Russell – who actually watches TV. She sits there, head tilted, ears up, eyes transfixed on the tube and if there are animals on screen, she’s goes ballistic. Jumps up and down, barking and scratching at the screen trying to get in on the animal action – its hilarious. My sister also tells me that Ginger attacks the window wipers from inside the car so maybe she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, but hell its great human entertainment!

Last night, I was also introduced to something called a Snuggie, which is basically a fleece blanket with arms. While it is probably something you laugh at when you see it in Skymall Magazine, it’s really quite cozy and practical and it’s being added to my lady of leisurewear collection. You wait – once you see the photos – you will want one!

Ok, off to drink wine and make dinner with my sister. Enjoy your night and I will hopefully be back online again at some point tomorrow.

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Filed under Life, Random thoughts

Music, toilets and shirts with holes

One month post layoff as of yesterday. Funny how time flies when unemployed and I have no idea how that happens. Its not like I am doing anything particularly exciting with my days. Yes, I do wake up a little later,  by about an hour. And I’ve started blogging every day, which is difficult because I don’t always have something to say – like today – this blog post is probably going to bore the hell out of you. But, maybe the few followers that I have are interested in how I spend my days, wishing themselves to be unemployed and a lady or lord of leisure. So – if that’s the case – here’s how I’m rolling today.

What I am wearing? House pants, of course. They are level 3 because as you might recall from my previous post, I am very low on level 4 and 5 house pants. I am also sporting a very worn long sleeve t-shirt from Mike’s Bike Tour in Munich Germany back in 1998. It has a frayed neck hole and sleeves, a 2″ hole in each armpit and the silk screen imprints on both sides of the shirt are pretty much non-existent. But, the shirt rocks and I am keeping it forever!

What am I listening to? Right now my Zune is docked in my Kicker with my “favs” play list going and as I write this paragraph, Telepopmusik is playing “Breathe”. It’s great lounge music – great with wine – sort of reminds me of the music playing inside W Hotels. On deck, Augustana, The Fray, Blue Octoberand some other “favs”. Yes, a Zune and not an iPod so step off because as I write this post and my Zune sits in the dock, I am wirelessly updating my play lists. Can you do that? 

What did I do right before this blog post? Cleaned the house because I have friends coming over and my brother is coming in from out of town.

What part of the house was the dirtiest? I guess that depends on how you define dirty. I found some good size hair balls under my couch that if left another week would probably sprout legs and attack my cats. I also found a very nice colored ring in my toilet, scum in my shower and a week old Italian Meat Pie pan in my kitchen sink starting to sour. Louis also left a fresh one for me in the litter box. So, yes…I am a complete slob it appears as an unemployed LOL, but its all picked up now so please be my friend!  

I guess that’s it for today. I’d better shower. Everyone have a great day!

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Filed under Life, Random thoughts, Slightly amusing